JESTER
by KuroTan - the Mistress in Hell
Summary: This is a fic written with inspiration from the song "Jester" by Valshe. The story of a jester and a princess whose love for eachother ends in tradegy. My saddest and longest story so far. Note 3/2/2013: I betaed it myself, and did some corrections, finally! OTL Not sure about rating really but I'll take the chance.


A/N: Soeh... I fail beta-read this whole thing myself, and did some changes to the last scenes. Anyways, I wanted to say something else though, as you guys don't know me so well yet QwQ;; Just as a side note, I'm not the person who cries a lot, but this story had me all teared up at the end, and I had to wipe my eyes several times while writing the three last pages! ( God I feel like a crybaby)  
Also, reviews are much appreciated, so don't hesitate and write a review! I can take constructive criticism, but respect would be nice. Well, enjoy this story, hope you at least will enjoy it as much as I did writing it!

"Sigh… finally over for today, huh?" she mumbled, to herself, looking up at the sky far above her. Again today, the feeling of not being able to be with whom you love was haunting the poor girl like a bad memory. Surely, the love of a jester, who actually was a girl disguised as a boy, and a princess would never be granted, she was merely a servant, the royalty's entertainment.  
Life didn't seem too good for the poor jester Valshe's mental health, she was being broken down slowly from the unrequited love she had for no one else than the princess.  
"I should just give up on her… even if she said she loved me, it would probably be a lie… but, even if it is a lie… I want to be loved."  
With a quick sweep of her hands she slipped off the mask that covered her right eye, her blue orbs of eyes still observing the sky.  
"I don't care if it's a lie…"  
_Of course my love had to be the princess_, she thought bitterly, fighting back the tears with all of her power. If they ever fell in love, it would turn out as impossible, that was for sure. Not that it would ever happen… why would the princess even love someone like her? The whole thing was just ridiculous, and stupid.  
She ran her fingers through her soft, messy and short blonde hair, somehow frustrated and tired.  
And yet… despite all of these feelings, she would always smile and be the clown everyone could laugh at.  
"But all that is just a mask, so that they won't notice my real feelings… my mask. But that is, after all… ", she pulled on the mask again and tied it on the back of her head with a red band that was tied to it, "…a jester's job."  
She bowed down as if she was standing in front of an audience, taking off the mask again in the process, her face emotionless.  
"Will I ever be able… to show her my true face?"  
A silent tear stroke down her cheek, but she wiped it away automatically and sat down in the shadow of a tree. She had a habit of being in the garden very often, but today it was a particularly good day to be there; the weather was hot, almost dazing, and it quickly made her fall asleep, only to be captured in a world filled with horrific dreams.  
_-Walking the path for the castle, I feel something is very wrong. It looks normal, but something isn't right; I can feel it clearly. When I approach the gate, it's already open, which is very unusual. Wait, body, stop! My body won't stop moving… I'm not in control anymore.  
"This isn't a good sign… the gates never open without any guards…" I hear the words from the outside; it doesn't feel like it's me saying it.  
Inside the castle halls isn't much better; they were completely empty.  
"What's going on? Where's everyone?" the voice I hear sound distant, but frightened, very, very frightened.  
The only sound in the quiet hall is the echoing of the footsteps of whoever's body I am watching from, and the horrific sight that wait in the throne room is a big shock.  
Every single person from the castle, or at least most of them, is lying in a huge pile of dead bodies.  
On the top of the pile is the bodies of the king, the queen and…-_  
She woke up with a gasp, her whole body shaking horribly. The clock above the castle gate told her what the time was.  
"It's 10pm already? Did I really sleep for 6 hours?"  
It was starting to get chilly, making her shake even more than she already was. It would probably be a good idea to get inside as quick as possible. On the way back, she had this feeling of being watched, followed. She stopped moving for a couple of seconds before she turned around quickly, seeing someone hide behind the nearest tree. She giggled slightly and couldn't help but smile sweetly.  
"There's no point in hiding, I saw you."  
Slowly, a young girl covered in a cape stepped forward. The cape was covering her face and most of her body. There was no way to tell who this person was.  
"Um… y-you forgot this."  
In the girls' outstretched hand was nothing less than Valshe's flute. She let the girl drop it in her hand.  
"Thank you very much," she said with a thankful smile, closing her eyes for a moment in relief. If she had found herself without it when she came back to her chambers, she would have freaked out; her flute was basically her best friend. By the time she opened her eyes, the girl was gone.  
"Hm? Where did she go?"  
Confused, she headed straight back to her chambers with no further hesitation. The weather wasn't chilly anymore; it was getting actually cold, so she was glad when she finally reached her room. Luckily she had her own bathroom like most of the servants; it helped in hiding her true identity as a girl, so it was quite lucky. She also couldn't get the girl from earlier out of her head; she had a feeling that she somehow knew her, though not remembering how. She had it in the back of her head, she just couldn't force it forward, and it was like it was covered by a black curtain, blurred away from her awareness.  
"Come on Valshe, where do you know her from?!"  
After a little while of massaging her head and talking to herself in order to force her mind to remember, she gave up and sunk to a sitting position leaning against the door, feeling the cold tree against her back.  
"Now I'm getting… depressed again… Valshe calm down… think about good things…"  
But what happy things were in her world? Nothing right now at least, her happiness was at its lowest. She just wanted to die sometimes… but she couldn't bear it. Despite the urge to just keep sitting there, she got up and sunk down in her bed, clenching the flute that she cherished so much tightly in her hand. The ceiling was gray and boring, made out of stone. Thinking about the dream she stared at it, clenching the flute even tighter, so tight her knuckles became white.  
"I hate this…"  
With those words she closed her heavy eyelids, softly crying herself asleep, falling into a black, dreamless world.

The next morning, it felt cold. She did fall asleep with the window open… wait, the window? It wasn't open last night… or was it? The cold took away her tiredness, and she closed the window with a sigh. The weirdest things just had to happen to her, didn't they?  
She was still fully dressed in her jester costume that she'd been wearing the other day. Oh yeah, she had a performance today… but first tonight, so she had a long time to get ready. Still she got up to get a shower. Maybe she could wash off the dream from yesterday, it wasn't a pleasant memory, and especially not when it bothered this badly.  
It was the right thing to do; after tossing her clothes on the bathroom floor and stepping out in the shower, she suddenly felt a lot better. A shower always helped. She just closed her eyes feeling the water on the back of her neck. This was one of the places where she could calm herself down and the world around her would have no effect on it.  
She got out of the water, shaking her head so the water from her hair hit the mirror as if it was raining on it. She took a glance in the wall-sized mirror; looking back at her was a blonde tomboyish girl. She had never really looked, or felt, like a girl. So from childhood she had pretended she was a boy; it was easier for her to just pass as a boy with her looks. She was a disgrace for a girl. She was even in love with another girl. But she couldn't think about that now; she had a performance tonight, and well… a certain person would be there, as always.  
Her favorite costume had always been one with dark grey pants, dark brown boots, a green-, gold- and red-striped vest, a cream colored shirt under it, along with a purple scarf and a ribbon at the back tied as a butterfly. And then she had the mask that covered almost half of her face, her favorite mask.  
She spread out the clothes on her bed. It would be too early to put it on now… her performance was at night and it was only early in the morning. Instead, she found a Bordeaux-colored shirt and a pair of pitch black pants, and some random accessories from her table, before putting it on. It was cold with only your underwear on, even inside, so she really just wanted to put something on. As usually, every sign that she was a girl disappeared along with her putting her clothes on.  
"What kind of performance should I do today… what about telling some riddles? Maybe tell a story?"  
A sudden idea made a smirk spread across her face.  
"I know what story I want to tell…"  
From the bookcase at the wall to the left of the door, she took out an old-looking book, and blew off the dust. She coughed a bit at it suddenly filling the air. She hadn't read this book in a long time, but this was the one she needed; it contained lots of legends and stories, as well as fairytales. It came in very handy when she wanted to tell her audience a story or two.  
The one she had chosen was an old legend about this castle, of something luring in the dungeons under the beautiful, white castle walls, deep down under the ground where no light reached. It was a very interesting story, because no one knew if it was true or not. She read the story through a couple of times before laying the book on her bed, beside the costume. That way, she wouldn't forget it.  
Now she had to find a way to spend her day. When she wasn't performing she had to figure out something to do instead. But, to say it shortly, you had to get outside the castle walls for that.  
_A little tour to the town, huh?_ She thought and walked out the door of her room, through the chambers and out of the door to the castle. It was weird for the servants' chambers to be a part of the castle, but she didn't really mind it. Again today the weather was warm, though it was getting a bit chilly, with wind and so. Maybe she should have brought a coat. Oh well, she didn't really bother to go back for one and just exited the castle gates, bowing politely to the guard before heading down the main street. As usual there was many people on the streets, shopping and selling things at the big market. She had never really been interested in markets, but being around a place with so much life was so comforting, assured her that happy people did exist.  
She didn't realize her habit of humming and/or singing randomly when she was out until a girl stared at her. She stopped up and looked back at the girl. Again, she seemed familiar. What was this déjà-vu feeling she kept having?  
"Was… was that you singing just now?"  
Valshe looked at the girl. She had long, black hair and a sweet face. If it wasn't for her hair color, she would have thought this girl was the princess. But that was silly; the princess was at the castle, as she always was at this time of the day.  
"Yes… yes, it was me, why?" Valshe asked with a smile moving her bangs out of her face.  
"Are you a singer or something? You know, that was amazing!"  
Amazing? She'd never thought of her voice as amazing, or good in any way. But she liked to sing, that was a fact.  
"Amazing?" she laughed and looked at the girl, "Would you really call my voice amazing? And no, I'm not a professional singer; I serve at the castle as jester, though singing is not part of my performing."  
The girl looked out to be blushing faintly. Valshe was puzzled; what was up with this girl? And who was she?  
"Well you might consider making it part of your performance," she smirked slightly and turned around, disappearing in the crowd.  
Valshe just turned on her heels and walked the other way, to the outskirts of town, where the amount of people were significantly lower.  
In the end, she was most comfortable alone; then she could think about things. It was about time for her to get home, and get ready for the performance. There was nothing interesting to do anyways.  
The castle wasn't as filled as usual, not that she minded it at all; it helped a bit with not a million people there to watch her. Too many was a drag.  
She had always loved the soft fabric that the costume was made out of. She wasn't aware of what fabric it was, but it somehow seemed different from anything else she'd experienced. She tied the mask on the back of her head, grabbed the book and walked out of the door.  
Her assumption had been right; there weren't as many people by the tables as usual. She just sat down at a chair in front of them all, opening the book, before she looked around at the people who were present at the dinner.  
"I want to tell you, about an old myth passed down by the royal family for generations. A tragedy, which turned into a myth that has lasted for hundreds of years, passed down from generation to generation as a fairytale." She cleared her throat and took a glance at the page. She remembered the story by heart anyways so it wasn't like the book mattered, it was more for the effect, "A long, long time ago, there was a princess living in this castle with the king and queen whose fate were to be doomed. She did what a princess absolutely shouldn't do; she fell in love to one of her servants. She did not care about what her parents would say, but she knew that she had to keep it a secret.  
For a while, it seemed to work, and the princess was very happy. Her secret with the butler was safe. Or at least that was what she thought.  
One day, she was unfortunately caught together with him, and the king and queen were furious. They threw the poor butler into a dungeon deep under the castle.  
The princess could do nothing but cry over her lost lover.  
Until one night it stroked her mind. She sneaked into her parents' room at night and stole the key to the dungeon prison.  
She was deeply frightened of the dark, but she had to find him.  
The dungeon was a huge maze, but she managed to find his cell somehow. But it was too late. They had murdered the butler the second they threw him in there, by slicing his throat and then afterwards rip his face off.  
In despair, the princess took her own life shortly after that.  
It is said that even today, the princess' restless soul searches for revenge over the king and queen.  
Several kings have been murdered under mysterious circumstances after hearing this myth…  
It is said, that if you don't believe her story, she's going to murder you the way she found her dead lover murdered."  
She stood up and bowed slightly, taking in the expressions of everyone around her. Most of them didn't seem to have taken the story seriously. Well, except the princess. She looked to have taken it very seriously.  
Not like she did either, but yet, she felt bad for the princess, and she could actually relate to this story, a lot. Would she really end up as the poor butler if she fell in love with the princess? She didn't even want to think about that, as she left the dining room to go back to her chambers.

The princess was nothing less than shocked over the story. Mostly because of the fact that she was afraid he'd realized her feelings, and then told her through the story how he felt. No, no time for daydreaming about him, she couldn't love him anyways.  
And yet she wanted to know about the beautiful, blonde boy. Who was he really behind the mask, away from the scene? No one could walk around eternally happy, that's a fact.  
And most of all, she wanted to know his name, his real name.  
But she knew that she couldn't get close to him, so she distanced herself more and more from him. Then maybe her feelings wouldn't be so unbearable. She wanted so deeply to be with him, but in the end, everything would go wrong. Just as in the story he told them.  
Life was indeed cruel to the poor princess. On her way back she encountered him, in the halls. He was probably heading back to his chambers, or maybe outside the castle. She gave him a polite bow before turning around walking away without a word, with a cold expression. Better not show him any feelings, it was too risky. Their love would never be blessed, even if they did get together.  
She saw a chance to forget this when she saw her father, the king, in the hall. She approached him slowly.  
"Father?"  
He turned around on response and looked at her with his usual professional expression. Their relationship was nothing more than professional.  
"Yes?"  
"Is it okay for me to go outside in the garden, right now? Or do we have business to attend to?"  
"There's nothing coming up right in the next couple of hours, feel free to go outside if you want."  
"Thank you."  
She just turned around slowly and walked through the seemingly endless hallways. She really hated the way too huge castle. She'd rather just live in a residence in town, but she knew it was impossible. Everything she dreamt about was nothing less than impossible.  
The garden was gorgeous as always with its colorful flowers and green trees, all in bloom. Spring was lovely at the castle.  
The sound of a flute echoed in the otherwise completely silent garden. It was a beautiful and soothing song, like a lullaby. But it was sad at the same time, like a beautiful love story, which ends in tragedy. It was oddly appealing to her, with her unrequited love towards the jester, whose name she wasn't even aware of.  
Slowly, hypnotized, she approached it, enchanted by the soothing sound.

Valshe had always loved her flute; she loved playing it for several hours at a time, just closing her eyes playing the soft melodies.  
The garden was a place of inspiration; she could really just play and play without getting tired of it when she was out here. It was one of the places she could just… sit back and be herself.  
Until she heard it; she couldn't see from her closed eyelids, but she could hear the faint sound of footsteps to her left. Slowly, she let her hand with the flute drop, and opened her sparkling, crystal clear blue eyes.  
In front of her was no one else than the princess, how _lucky._

Of course it had to be him; the jester. He was sitting under one of the old trees, playing his flute. She almost turned on her heels and ran away, when he opened his eyes. It wouldn't be polite to just run away from him like that.  
God his eyes were beautiful. She just returned his gaze; the silence between them was almost suffocating.  
She stared intensely at his eyes… then bowed once again, turning around, walking away from the garden. She couldn't take the chance of what might happen if she stayed and talked to him.  
It was painful, but it was reality.

Being in love was such a drag. Valshe knew that, and yet she wouldn't let go of her feelings for the princess. That silent staring a moment ago hadn't been the best idea. But why did she stare like that? Almost like she wanted to do something, but held herself back?  
A sigh escaped her… of course the princess didn't feel anything for her. She was the princess, for god's sake! She shouldn't love a servant!  
"Life… hates me, doesn't it?"  
Of course it didn't; she was just fated to be miserable forever if she loved the princess.  
Okay, life was cruel. But she had to deal with it; it was her life, after all. But the princess was so beautiful… she could never let her go, not in a million years could she let the love of her life just go away like that. Her feelings were too strong.  
Quickly, she headed back for her chambers. This feeling that something bad might happen if she stayed was bothering her.  
It finally disappeared the second the closed the door to her room. Then she sunk down the door, crying, all of a sudden.  
"I love you…"  
She didn't manage to say any more as she cried herself asleep, her mind empty besides from the thoughts of the princess.

The next morning she woke up, still with tears in her eyes. Had she been crying all night?  
As usual, she was cold. But this time she was sure; she wasn't the one who'd opened the window last night.  
The cold took her exhaustion and sadness away in seconds, and she stood from the bed, wiping away the tears.  
Again she'd fallen asleep wearing her costume, of course she had been too exhausted to think about anything else than sleeping.  
She just randomly grabbed what she saw fit, from the closet which rested on the wall beside her bed. Her 'normal' clothing style was very plain compared to her colorful costumes; she usually wore colors like black, brown, dark blue and dark red.  
Today she'd found a blue button shirt, black vest and a pair of brown pants. _Probably as plain as it can get_, she thought to herself and laughed.  
After a quick change of pants, she noticed something under her door while putting on her shirt.  
Without even bothering to button the buttons on the shirt, she walked to the door, kneeling down to what appeared to be a letter, which had been pushed under the door. The rush had been a good idea; the envelope was marked with the word 'IMPORTANT' written in big, red letters.  
Slowly, with shaking hands, she opened the envelope and dug out the letter. A royal letter marked 'IMPORTANT'… what could be written in the letter that was so important?  
The actual content of the letter almost caused her to faint.  
"W-what?!"  
She dropped the letter to the ground, in shock. The letter formally announced that the king had been murdered last night, and that everyone living and/or working at the castle should come to the conference room at their scheduled times.  
"T-the king is… dead?!"  
The whole thing seemed so unreal; that someone just walked in and… killed him. The king was a strong, kind and proud man, loved by his people. If it was to be revealed to the public that he had died, killed even, there would be panic, maybe even demonstrations. And execution of the ones, which the people in town suspected to have committed the murder.  
"I still don't get that he was killed… just like that…"  
On the back of the paper was the schedule for the meetings in the conference room. She was supposed to be there at noon tomorrow.  
A cold breeze to her chest made her aware that she hadn't closed the buttons on the shirt yet. She really had no chest, at all. She'd been flat as board all life, and now she was 21; she seriously doubted that she would grow more in any way at all.  
Her impulses made her raise a hesitant hand to the left side of her chest, gently stroking a 40cm long scar from a cut she had there. The night someone had tried to kill her. Tears started to fall from her eyes, while she just stood there, lost in the painful memories.  
Then she forced herself to shake it off and close the buttons on the shirt, mercilessly shoving the painful memory out of her mind by talking and mumbling to herself, a habit she had gotten from being lonely often.  
"But the difference is that I'm very alive, and the king is dead."  
Yes, she was lonely. Letting her thoughts take over, she grabbed the flute from the table and walked out the door.  
The garden looked beautiful on days like this, with the sun shining, making the colorful flowers sparkle brightly. It truly looked like a paradise, and it was one of the few places that calmed Valshe down. She felt like a fish in the water in the quiet, calm garden. It was a place where no one was around to bother her, and make her feel bad, a place where she couldn't be hurt.  
But an irritation at the corner of her mind distracted her; something she couldn't get forward in the light, like it was covered by a black curtain; it was right there, but still wasn't really _there._  
She sat under a tree in the middle of the garden, which gave her a good view on the rest of the area. She didn't like not paying attention; she hated being surprised out of someone sneaking in on her.  
The weather was still nice, a bit warmer than the past few days, almost as if it was summer. Everything seemed so… peaceful, as if nothing was wrong.  
"The world just continues, like nothing has happened, like it didn't happen. It's scary to think about; we have no control over our fate, and one day I'll be gone too… that day could be tomorrow, or in 50 years. No one knows, not even me."  
She looked around the garden only to spot the princess. She was dressed in a long, pretty white dress. Why did she have to be so beautiful that it was unbearable? She walked around the garden looking at the flowers, barefoot. Her long, brown hair swayed in the wind, and she was wearing a head band, made of midnight blue roses. She looked to be in deep thoughts, probably trying to handle the shock of her fathers' tragic death.  
Valshe sighed, took the flute up to her mouth, and started playing a soft melody. Lost in her little world, she closed her eyes and let the beautiful tones echo in the garden.  
The song was beautiful; sad, and beautiful. She didn't really mind if the princess heard her or not, but when she opened her eyes she almost gasped. The princess was sitting just beside her, with her eyes closed listening to the melody.  
As she finished the song, the princess opened her eyes, and they just stared at each other. After what seemed like forever the princess finally stood up.  
"I… have got to get going…" she said slowly, and turned around to walk away. She looked… anxious, her way of walking was so… mechanic in some way. It was like she was forcing herself to walk away. Valshe didn't mind; it was almost noon anyway. On her way to the conference room, she saw the princess again in the hallway. She quickly turned around and ran away.  
_Did I scare her?_ Valshe thought and shrugged, turning around to walk to the conference room. Spacing out as she usually was, she stumbled into someone, falling to the ground.  
"Ouch…" she took a hand to her forehead; she'd bumped directly into one of the maids, "I'm sorry, are you okay?"  
"No, no, it's my fault, I was in such a hurry I didn't see you…" she smiled awkwardly and put her glasses in place, "Uhm… I haven't seen you here before, or, I haven't seen you so much… only a few times when you're performing, where do you go afterwards? I see you at dinners as well with the other servants, but other than that… I haven't seen you anywhere at all…" she covered her mouth and laughed even more awkwardly than before, "I'm sorry for asking such… random questions."  
"That's okay…" Valshe smiled and stood up, the girl doing the same, "I spend most of my time in the garden, or in town, since I'm sort of… a loner." She laughed a bit at herself, "Well anyways, I'm sorry for bumping into you. I space out sometimes you see…"  
"Hey, what's your name? My name's Isabelle." she smiled sweetly and stretched her hand towards Valshe, and she took it with a smile.  
"My name's Valshe, though no one really knows my name since I don't tell anyone…"  
"Valshe? I haven't heard a name like that before… do you know where it's from?"  
"No… no, I don't." she smiled and looked at Isabelle; she was a pretty girl, even if she wore glasses.  
"Hmm, that's odd…"  
"Oh my, look what the time is! I need to get going!" Valshe had totally forgotten that she was supposed to be going to the conference room, damn lucky she went a bit earlier so she had a little more time, but now she had to hurry.  
Isabelle must probably have been surprised seeing her just run off like that, but she had to, or else she'd be late to the meeting, or whatever it was.  
Slowing down close to the conference room, she leaned on the wall to stop her panting. What a workout, to run all the way through the castle. She'd made it just in time, and she knocked at the door gently with the back of her hand.  
"Yes, come in."  
Inside the room were nothing but a long table with 10 chairs, a painting on the left wall, and a window on the wall opposite from the door. On two of the chairs sat two men; one was tall and muscular with brown hair and blue eyes, the other one looked a bit younger, slim with black hair and green eyes.  
"I assume you're Mr. Valshe?"  
"Yes, yes I am." She replied automatically, used to people referring to her as a male.  
"Sit down."  
Something in her mind told her that doing what these guys said would be a good idea. They didn't look like policemen… maybe they were private investigators? Sent to figure out who murdered the king? That would definitely make sense…  
"As you're well aware of, the king was killed last night."  
"Yes, I am aware of that."  
She needed to play her cards carefully; what if she got involved in something?  
"Where were you around 10pm last night?"  
"I was in the royal garden."  
"Can anyone confirm that?"  
"No, I was sleeping."  
The older of the two men raised a skeptical eyebrow. The younger one just took notes of everything being said, he was completely quiet.  
"When did you wake up?"  
"Around 10-10:30 pm."  
"And where did you go after that?"  
"I walked straight back to my chambers to sleep."  
"Did you see anything suspicious on your way back?"  
"On my way back, I saw a young girl… I'd never seen her before so I found it a bit odd. She'd been following me, to return my flute to me. I only closed my eyes for a second and then she was gone."  
"Is that so… what did she look like?"  
"I couldn't see her face; it was covered by the cape she was wearing."  
She had an odd feeling about the two men; and the worst thing was that she had no idea why. They… seemed wrong somehow. And yet they seemed just normal. It was almost creepy. What was up with her and all of her feelings about stuff lately? Couldn't she just be careless as always? What had changed?  
"Hmm… you're free to go for now, but stay close, we might call you in again."  
They probably said that to everyone, just in case; it was their work. Somehow relieved, she left the room. Near the end of the hallway, almost around the corner, she let out a deep sigh. Why did that make her so exhausted? Or was she just basically exhausted?  
It was very cold outside; like the temperature had fallen in the last hour. It didn't seem likely, so maybe she was just worn out or even a tiny bit sick.  
"I guess I'll go back and get some sleep… even if it's in the middle of the day…"  
The thought of her warm bed was comforting, so she could just forget everything. Forget what had happened with the princess today, forget whatever happened. Just… sleep in peace.  
But then she remembered; the dream. About the king, queen and… Could that dream by any chance have been… reality?  
"No! That's not… possible… or… is it?"  
What the hell? She was thinking like someone who was not well in the head… she wasn't crazy. At least she didn't hope so.  
As usual, her bed was warm, soft and comforting, what a lovely feeling. She lied lost in her own world staring upwards.  
"What's going on with me lately?" she sighed and tried to focus on the cracks in the old ceiling in a lazy manner, her hand going through her hair several times, slowly.  
Finally the exhaustion took over and she closed her eyes, almost asleep. She drifted into dreams almost immediately… this time the dream was…  
_"W-where am I?" I can hear my voice… but again it's like it's not me talking, I'm just watching.  
I'm standing in the middle of a huge chessboard, filled with huge chess pieces! Or maybe… I'm very tiny?  
As suddenly as it had appeared, the huge chessboard disappeared, and a room toned out in the front of my gaze. It is the king's chamber.  
The king is lying in the bed, sleeping… but it doesn't seem normal. It is like everything is wrong. Even the air seems out of place. Something in the shadows quickly approached the king. I, or rather, the person I am, tries to scream for help, to get someone to help the king, but nothing come out, and everything is deadly silent. The shadow is over him, and there is nothing to do now.  
The king opens his eyes wide open; seemingly trying to catch his breath as if he is suffocating. He gasps and tries to reach out for something, but his hand become weak and drops. Again, I would scream if I could; his neck cramped and blood splatters out from his neck; it looked horrible. I try to cover my eyes… but nothing happens… I just wait for the shadow… to come for me and…_  
She woke up with a scream; that dream was one of the worse. Her breathing was shallow and heavy, and she was sweating, but still somehow managed to mutter some words to herself.  
"Did… did I just witness the kings' murder?… But… that's impossible!..."  
She tried calming her furiously beating heart and shaking body, but nothing seemed to help; she was too paralyzed with fear. She just sat there in her bed, clenching her chest with her eyes closed, and waiting for her body to calm down.  
After a little while she felt the anxiousness leave her mind, and decided to go for a walk to clear her head. She grabbed her long, brown coat from the door and walked out. It had been a good idea; it was still cold outside, hence it still being in the middle of the night.  
It was pitch dark and cold, but at least it got the dream out of her mind.  
In the royal garden awaited her a weird sight; the usual "empty spot" at the garden was filled with midnight blue roses, similar to those the princess had been having a ribbon made of earlier.  
Slowly, she started singing a little song for the roses. She had no idea what the words meant, but it made sense to her… she just knew that it meant something important.

The princess had always loved one of the many mysteries of this castle; the midnight blue roses, which only bloomed at full moon. She headed for the garden as usual to observe the flowers, when she heard a voice. Closer she heard that the voice was singing. It was the jester… she had no idea he had such a beautiful voice.  
He was standing in the middle of the flowers, between them, singing with his eyes closed. He looked nothing less than beautiful; his silhouette looked perfect with the flowers. Again a thought that had been bothering her for a while struck her again. It wasn't so much a bother, but it still poked her curiosity: he had really feminine features, like, REALLY feminine. Long, beautiful eyelashes, and those small lips. Slim, soft hands and spotless skin graced his body. It was almost _too_ feminine.  
But she was sure that he wasn't a girl… he couldn't be, right?  
She approached him slowly, and accidently stepped on a stick, making a loud crack. He stopped and opened his eyes.  
"Why hello, miss Anastasia." He said with a bow and smiled to her.  
Oh god why, why was he so sweet and polite? She knew it meant nothing and everything just hurt so much more.  
"Hello, Mr.?"  
"Oh my, how rude of me, I haven't told you my name yet, I assume?" his smile almost made her just walk to him and kiss him but she restrained herself "my name… is Valshe."  
Valshe. What a pretty name, she hadn't heard of it before, but it was beautiful, no doubt.  
"Valshe… I'll make sure to remember that, Mr. Valshe."  
"Please… just call me Valshe." She couldn't help but blush faintly, and then looked at the flowers to get her mind off of him.  
"These flowers are beautiful, aren't they?" she really loved the flowers, but mostly these blue roses; they had this enchanting effect on her.  
"Very, very beautiful…" he picked one of the flowers, and put it in her hair. She had to mentally kick herself for wanting to burst out "I love you!" loudly so he would hear it.  
"Thank you…"  
"I just thought it fitted your eyes. Because your eyes sparkle so brightly, it looks beautiful." She spotted something in his look… something she couldn't decipher. But she'd never seen it before.  
Was this a little moment of letting down his parades showing who he really was?  
"I see… thank you very much… Valshe."  
She turned around and started walking away, he walking away as well, probably headed back to his room, it was very late.  
The ache in her heart when he left wouldn't stop… why couldn't she just love him? Why did it have to be forbidden? All she wanted to was talk to him, know about him, hold him and comfort him. Why was this so wrong?  
She forcefully fought back the tears until she reached her room. With her door locked, she lied down in her bed and cried. She didn't care; she just needed to get it out. Ignoring the persistent knocks on the door she kept crying, until her maid, Sophie, entered the room.  
"Miss Anastasia… what on earth happened to you?"  
She just cried and cried, not even bothering to answer, and as if asked for, Sophie closed the door and sat down on the edge of the bed. Ana could feel Sophie's hand on her back, caressing her hair.  
"Miss… would you mind telling me what's wrong? In the last while, you've been acting differently… is something or even someone bothering you?" she tried to make Anastasia talk, it was obvious. But… could she entrust Sophie with this?  
"Sophie… I'm afraid that I can't trust you to not tell anyone about this…" she glanced at her maid, still crying uncontrollably.  
"If you wish, I'll keep silent about it?"  
"Would you really do that for me?"  
"Yes… so please tell me what's going on? Who's making you like this?"  
"I'm… in love, Sophie." the words were barely a whisper, weakened by her crying.  
" "In love"? With who?"  
"T…the jester, Valshe… I don't know why… but I love him… I can't get him out of my head!" her voice cracked over and she started crying again.  
"Miss… I see… I'm sorry…" Sophie embraced the young princess, patting her soft, brown hair.  
Anastasia just buried her head in Sophie's shoulder, continuing to cry.  
"I want to be with him…"  
"Miss, I don't know if I should say this… but I think that he likes you…"  
"W-what?!"  
"I've talked to him before… he seems to hide something, and always avoids anything that involves you. I think he might be trying to suppress that he has feelings for you… I think talking to him would be a good idea."  
"But you know as well as I what will happen to him if this is figured out!"  
"I know… but at least give it a chance? I'll help cover for you if you ever need it…"  
"Sophie… you know that I love you, right?" despite her tears she smiled sweetly.  
"Yes… yes I know."

Constant encounters with the princess like that didn't help Valshe's aching heart. On her way back she almost bumped straight into Isabelle once again.  
"Ah, not again… I'm sorry…" she giggled and helped Isabelle up standing. "We're pretty good at bumping into each other huh?"  
Isabelle laughed along with her; she was really cute.  
"Valshe, right? Uhm… I don't know if I should ask, but… you looked a bit sad, did something happen?"  
Valshe almost let down her parades, had she looked sad? But she regained her parades without letting them down. She sent Isabelle a smile instead.  
"No… It's nothing, I'm just a bit tired recently, I have a problem with sleeping… I think I'm a bit stressed…" she sighed a bit; it wasn't completely a lie, she just let out why she was stressed.  
"I see… you should try to get whatever's bothering you out of your head." Isabelle's innocence and missing curiosity made Valshe feel a bit safe. Like she could tell Isabelle something, and she wouldn't pass it on to someone else.  
"Thank you for the advice… I'll try." She smiled a bit tiredly and then moved a hand through her hair; it was another one of her habits. "So well… I'm free now; do you want to do something together?"  
"Yeah, sure, I have an idea."  
Valshe followed her, in wonder as to where they were going.  
"We're going into the forest?" maybe Valshe had been there before, she liked the forest.  
"Yes, the lake."  
The lake. She loved to bath there from time to time; she thought no one else knew about it.  
"Why haven't I encountered you there before?"  
"Eh, what do you mean?"  
"I… usually bath at the lake whenever I feel like it, which is kind of... often… I guess? Why haven't I seen you there before?"  
"Y-you bath there?"  
Oh right, Isabelle probably thought she was a guy.  
"Don't worry I'm a girl… but it's a secret." She blinked and smirked teasing at Isabelle, whose face turned to something close to shock.  
"A… g-girl?!" Her face was completely shocked, and confused.  
"I know it's hard to believe… but want to take a swim in the lake with me? It's really nice."  
They had reached the lake already; how long had they been talking? Maybe… it had been for a while.  
"A swim? That sounds fun." She laughed and touched the water, and Valshe followed her example. It was really warm despite the weather being so cold. Valshe just absentmindedly slid off her coat.  
"V-Valshe?!"  
"What? I'm a girl you know, just calm down and undress. It's dark anyway, and you can't exactly bathe in your clothes…" she said and slid off her vest and shirt, revealing her bare chest.  
"H… how in the world can you be a girl…"  
"I don't know either…" Valshe was a bit relieved that the dark probably made her scar almost invisible, and observed as Isabelle slowly started undressing.  
She forced her look away from Isabelle to calm her down and slid off her pants.  
"See? Do you still think I'm a guy?"  
She could almost feel Isabelle's staring.  
"That's just… plain odd…"  
They continued the undressing, until they were standing naked across one another.  
"Want to try get in the water?"  
"Yeah…"  
Valshe lead Isabelle to a little part of the lake which was filled with the warmest water of all that were there.  
She slid down in the water, sitting on a rock.  
"Come on, you can sit over here, Isabelle."  
She felt Isabelle's hand in hers and gently dragged her over to sit on her left.  
"There, that wasn't so hard now was it?"  
"I still can't believe why I'm doing this…"  
"I don't know either… but it's nice so does it matter?"  
Again Valshe's heart started aching; this was what she wanted to do with the princess… why did their love have to be cursed?  
"It doesn't matter… and Valshe please tell me what's actually bothering you?"  
Her head dropped and she started crying at the question.  
"V-Valshe?! I-I'm sorry, I didn't know it was something like that…" Valshe cut her off in the middle of a sentence.  
"It's okay. I'm just… hopelessly in love."  
"In love? With whom, if I may ask?"  
"You can think that it's disgusting if you want… I'm in love with… the princess…"  
"Valshe… doesn't it hurt to love another girl?"  
"It hurts a lot… because it feels impossible… I can never be with her…" she hated that her voice was so weak because she was crying. She just started crying more when Isabelle hugged her.  
"I'll help you with this… I promise. I know we don't know each other so well yet… but you have a pure heart, Valshe… and I want to help you…"  
It was comforting to have a shoulder to cry on; someone to who you could just let out your frustrations and worries.  
"I… y-you're willing to help me? A-are you sure you want to risk that?" her eyes were a bit blurry from the tears but she looked at Isabelle.  
"Yes… I don't know why, but I'll do what I can to help you… I'll have a talk with Sophie, Miss Anastasia's personal maid… I'm sure she'd tell me if I told her how you felt… if her highness feels anything for you we might as well figure it out, right?"  
"No! W-we can't take the risk! It's too dangerous, we'll be killed! All of us!"  
"Valshe… I understand. It'll stay with me if you want to, then."  
"Thank you…"  
Valshe would have loved to be able to show her feelings towards the princess… but it was too dangerous. She just let go of Isabelle and got out of the water.  
"I'm tired… let's get going…"  
It felt nice putting on her clothes again after letting her body dry. Again Isabelle was staring at her.  
"I still don't believe you're a girl… I really can't see it on you when you're dressed…"  
Valshe laughed at the comment and put on her boots, heading back with Isabelle just behind her.  
They parted with a polite 'goodnight' and Valshe lied in her bed, almost about to faint of exhaustion.  
She fell asleep with the image of the princess in her head.  
"I love you so badly…"  
The ache in her heart was almost suffocating, and she fell asleep crying in pain. Love was indeed painful.

The princess had been having dreams about Valshe all the night and she woke up crying horribly, it felt like her heart was breaking into pieces.  
"I love you, Valshe…!" she managed to cry out, she was sure she didn't have heart problem, but it still hurt as bad as if she was having a heart attack.  
She buried herself in the covers and cried once again. Why couldn't love just be on her side? Did god really hate her that much? Did _fate_ really hate her that much?  
But maybe she was just being selfish? Her father had just been killed and she was crying over a guy? She doubted that people would understand her… no one would ever understand her.  
Sophie entered her room carrying a towel.  
"Ana, it's time for your bath…"  
She sat up and looked at Sophie, then walked to her and hugged her.  
"Take a bath with me today?..."  
Sophie patted her head, like a big sister, and sent her a kind smile.  
"Sure, if you want to."  
Ana loved Sophie like a big sister, it was nice for her not having to lie or restrain herself when being with her. That had created their strong bond.  
She let herself be lead to the bathroom and sat down at the edge of the big tub.  
The bathroom was half the size of her room, which meant it was pretty huge. The water which Sophie filled the tub with was hot, not too hot, but still hot. Close to the limit of being too hot, just as Ana liked it.  
She made Sophie help her open the buttons on her nightgown and it fell of her shoulders.  
"You're beautiful as always, princess." Sophie laughed and slid off her own maid dress, sliding down in the tub. "Come here, Ana."  
She sat down in the tub besides Sophie and took her hand.  
"Thank you, Sophie…"  
"I heard you earlier… you were crying out his name…"  
"I know…"  
"You really do love him, right?"  
She nodded and put her head on Sophie's shoulder, closing her eyes, crying a bit.  
"I love him so much… it's so painful Sophie…"  
"I know, Ana, I know…"  
She just snuggled into Sophie that she trusted so blindly and closed her eyes, trying to forget about him, the memory of someone you could never be with wasn't so pleasant… but maybe she didn't want to forget.

She knew she shouldn't love the princess; but was their love really so wrong?  
Again the garden was quiet as a graveyard, and she was humming to herself to at least get some sound through.  
The weather was wonderful; it was weird that it was so warm for it being autumn. It was supposed to be cold and rainy.  
She took a stroll in the garden while singing. Quickly her strolling turned into dancing and she danced around the whole garden while the sound of her voice echoed in her ears. Sometimes, she just needed to do stuff like this. The song she sung was lively, not as sad as her usual songs, but still very meaningful.  
She kept dancing around, taking in the whole garden. She was amazed at the amount of energy she had, she was feeling incredible.  
The song stilled down and she ended at the big tree, where she sat down, breathing a bit heavily. At least she got her daily exercise and got her pulse up. But now she was again overwhelmed by hopelessness and sadness. She felt that exhausting feeling crawl in on her and she was probably crying, but she didn't care. She didn't want to fall asleep. It would just be another nightmare, she knew it… she'd known all along that she'd get nightmares.  
She desperately tried to hold back, tried to fight the exhaustion, but it was useless, and she fell into another horrid dream world filled with nothing but death and suffering, tears staining her cheeks.

The garden was indeed the princess' favorite place. It was so quiet and beautiful. She could spot someone sitting under the tree; it was Valshe, and he was sleeping.  
She would've found it adorable if he hadn't been crying. He was crying with a pained face, was he having nightmares?  
She sat down on her knees and looked at his face. Not only was he crying, he was pale and seemingly in pain…but what wouldn't happen if she woke him up?  
Her hand reached upwards to his face, stroking his cheek. How could a human possibly be so soft? His hair was like silk, tickling her fingers. She wiped away his tears, and despite him being so pale he was comfortably warm to touch.  
She didn't want to wake him up, but she slowly and gently leaned forward, planting a soft kiss on his lips. She knew that he wouldn't know since he was sleeping, and she just stood up and ran away before he could wake up.  
"Oh my god what have I done?!"  
She couldn't believe it! That was probably the most stupid thing she could've done! But… he had been so soft… she couldn't hold back. And exactly as she had thought, his lips had been just as soft as the rest of him.  
She almost bumped into her mother in the hallway.  
"My… darling, why are you in such a hurry?"  
"I'm sorry mother, I wasn't paying attention."  
"Dear, what happened the other day? Why did you lock yourself in your room?"  
"I… my father's death was really shocking and I just… didn't want to talk to anyone…"  
"Oh, I see… I'm sorry, my dear… it'll be alright."  
She let the queen give her brief hug and walk away before she bit her lip in frustration. She wished deeply that she could tell her mother of all people what she had just done but she couldn't get herself to say it. Because she knew her mother wouldn't approve of it.  
She wanted to turn around and run back to see him again, but she knew it was a bad idea so she just found one of the servants, one that didn't know her as well as Sophie.  
"Good afternoon." She bowed politely and looked at him.  
"Good afternoon your majesty, what do I owe the pleasure?"  
"I was looking for something about one of our servants… but without him knowing."  
"Are we being secretive here? Okay, who is it?"  
"The jester, Valshe."  
"Valshe… you'll have to talk to Isabelle for that, she's closer to Valshe than most of us… no one really gets to him you know?"  
"I see, thank you very much."  
Luckily she knew who Isabelle was; she was the servant who very often cleaned her room. After some searching she found Isabelle cleaning one of the many guest rooms.  
"Your majesty," she bowed and smiled, putting her big glasses in place, "do you want to talk to me about something?"  
"I was wondering if you could tell me about Valshe…"  
Isabelle looked a bit baffled at the question, almost as if she was almost sure that Anastasia wouldn't ask _that_, of all questions.  
"Valshe…? What about him?"  
"I don't know… I just don't really know anything about him… I'm curious. He seems like such a mystery…"  
"I see… he's… he's a really nice guy, when you first get to know him… to be honest I was a bit scared of him at first. But he's really nice, funny and sweet. That type of person who's just good company you know?" She held a little break "… But he's also… sensitive. Was it this kind of stuff you wanted to know or about something he might have done?"  
"I…I have got what I needed, thank you."  
Gosh, why did even his personality have to be perfect?! She walked out of the room to hide her blush from Isabelle; if she knew about this it would be seriously dangerous!  
It was comforting just going back to her room and lying down again. Now she could think. How could she kiss him like that?! He hadn't even been awake! She felt horrible for doing it… using him like that just because he was asleep…  
"I'm sorry Valshe… I love you…" she wanted to cry, but she had cried all of her tears out already.  
Love… she didn't want it anymore, she just wanted the pain to go away already.

Why did she have the feeling that there was something missing? Like she had forgotten something? Maybe it was because she fell asleep in the garden… the dream this time had been particularly horrible. And yet… it was replaced by a dream of the princess? Just like that? It didn't make sense… she just got up from under the tree and ran back to her room, she was feeling a bit tired, even if it was in the middle of the day.  
The dream of the princess kept returning… a dream of the princess… kissing her! She couldn't get it out of her head, she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to look her in the eyes again…  
And yet, the dream had seemed so real; like it had really happened. But it couldn't have… it was just a dream. It was nothing more than a dream. And it would never be more than a dream.  
On her way back to her room, she passed the princess' room, and outside the door stood a couple of servants.  
"Miss! Please open the door!"  
She raised an eyebrow and got a bit closer, poking one of the servants she recognized on the shoulder.  
"Hey… what's going on with the princess?"  
"She's not opening her door… we've been trying for a while but she's not replying, and when she does reply she screams at us to go away… I honestly have no idea what's going on…"  
Luckily one of the other servants heard them talking and she came walking to him. If Valshe wasn't mistaking it was the princess' personal maid, Sophie.  
"She won't even open the door for me; I think it's something serious… though I don't know what." She looked to be lying but Valshe didn't mind. She'd rather not know why.  
"My… how horrible… but I have got to get going. Good luck… I hope it'll work out."  
"Hey!" Valshe turned around at the sound of Sophie's voice, "I need to talk to you later, Valshe, is that okay?"  
"Uhm… sure. I'll be in the garden if you need me." She smiled and turned around, headed for the garden. There was no one there, as usual.  
And what could be wrong with the princess? And on top of that what did Sophie want to talk to her about?  
"Oh god… she can't know that I-…"  
_… -am in love with the princess._ It would be horrible if she knew and told the queen… but maybe she was on the princess' side? Then again if the princess didn't love her… Valshe could just be killed anyway. Why did she even think about this? She should just forget about the princess already, their relationship was nothing but bad news.  
She paced back and forward through the garden restlessly. Stress had never been a good thing for her, her health was fragile enough even when she wasn't stressed.  
As if to only make her more stressed, she spotted Sophie and stopped up.  
"Valshe, I really need to talk to you… it's urgent. Can we go somewhere private?"  
"Yes, sure…"  
She just took Sophie away from the castle and out in town. It was a place where no one from the castle would hear them.  
"What did you want to talk to me about?"  
"Miss Anastasia…"  
Valshe's whole body tensed; oh gosh, she knew! She had to know; why else would she talk to Valshe about Anastasia?!  
"Yes… what is it about her?"  
"I lied, I know why she's upset… and that's what I wanted to talk to you about…"  
"I don't get it, what is my role in this?"  
"How should I say this… no, I'm sorry. I can't do this." she turned around and ran away before Valshe could respond.  
"What… in the world?"  
What had Sophie been about to say? And why didn't she just say it? She headed back for the castle; she didn't want to think more about it. She'd be better off not knowing what was going on with the princess, and why she had something to do with it.  
Why did the whole world have to be so messed up? Heading back for the castle she again just felt like disappearing, killing herself. And then everything would go away.  
"NO! Valshe you can't think like that…"  
_I can't give up._  
She had to move on, and those words were the only thing keeping her up. She had to believe in that fate would someday be on her side. She had to believe, or else she'd just die inside. With no hope life is nothing worth. And she knew this from experience.  
And the experience with Sophie just a little moment ago made thoughts appear in her mind, thoughts of faint hope; did the princess actually… love her? Could it really be possible? Could she really be that lucky?  
She didn't want false hopes, but her heart still rose a bit of sheer happiness at the thought. The thought of, that she and the princess might have a chance.  
"But still that leaves one problem…"  
That she was a girl. No matter what would happen, she would always be a girl. And she was almost sure that the princess wouldn't love a girl.  
Valshe's heart quickly sunk in her chest and she sat down on the ground, not able to find the energy to walk the last distance back to the castle. She just sat there observing the ground, tears falling from her eyes.  
Her whole body was frozen; she couldn't move and just sat there, silent as the wind itself, crying.  
"Oh my… are you alright?! Are you in pain?!" she didn't recognize the voice of the woman who were talking, and it seemed distant, along with the feeling of a hand on her shoulder. The worry in the voice almost made her smile; did someone actually care about her?  
She nodded keeping her head down, she didn't want to look whoever it was in the eyes.  
"Yes… I'm alright."  
Or at least that's what she thought; she felt a sudden pain to her chest and her whole body tensed, completely stiff in burning pain. The regular pain attacks from her scar had come back, what a wonderful timing it had.  
Dizziness overwhelmed her and she tried her best not to faint; she almost got it, but she still fell to the ground, trying to control the pain.  
"Oh gosh, talk to me! Are you okay? Are you sick?" she still hadn't seen the face of the person talking, and didn't think she'd live long enough to see her face anyway. Her chest was cramped and her breathing was getting weaker and weaker, like the air just couldn't get to her lungs.  
The last thing she felt before her mind and body went completely blank was a pair of arms around her, to support her from falling.  
Then everything faded into black, and the world disappeared around her.

When Sophie told her what she had almost said to Valshe, Anastasia was about to yell in her face that it was dangerous, but stopped herself.  
She was more worried about that no one had seen Valshe after that. Why hadn't he come back to the castle? Why was he still in town when it was getting so late? She personally wanted to go look for him, but that would maybe reveal her secret.  
"Sophie… you're sure he's not here?"  
"Yes, I'm sorry. I decided to go look for him to clear things up and tell him that I was just being silly, but I couldn't find him anywhere. I asked all the others on the castle, they hadn't seen him.  
I even went to the guard at the gate. He hadn't seen Valshe come back either."  
"Oh gosh where is he…?"  
She could feel her eyes get teary; she was deeply worried about his well-being. What if he had fell down somewhere? Or got attacked by some madman and killed? What if he had been hurt by someone and wasn't capable of moving? What if he had fainted or something and then died without anyone knowing?  
Okay… maybe it was a bit of an overreaction, but the last thing in the world she wanted was to lose him this way.  
"Sophie… do you think he's alright?" she could clearly hear the worry and anxiety in her voice, and obviously Sophie could. No one knew Anastasia as good as Sophie did.  
"I don't think something's happened to him… he's okay, maybe he's just staying out?"  
Sophie's assuring smile didn't seem too convincing… at least not to her.  
"What if he's lying somewhere, dying?! Or what if he's already dead?!"  
Anastasia was surprised over the anger in her voice; but she was so worried, and her way of being worried about someone was to let it out on everyone else.  
"Ana… don't worry, he's alright. He doesn't really seem like the person who would just die like that, you know?"  
Maybe she was just being stupid? But the thought that he might be dead… it was just too much. Her heart couldn't bear it.  
"Right… I'm sorry for yelling like that. I'm just so worried…! I want him to come back already, smiling as always…"  
She couldn't help but look up hearing Sophie giggle, what was so funny?!  
"I can't help but be a bit jealous… you love him so much, it must be wonderful to have someone you can dedicate your heart to…" Sophie smiled and it was really tempting for Anastasia to do the same but she just couldn't get herself to smile.  
"Even if my love might never be granted… it's still wonderful… but I have something to confess… Sophie I kissed him!" she turned her look towards the ground; she didn't intend to kiss him when it happened… her mind was completely blank, he had been so beautiful…  
"K-kissed him?! B-but I thought you said that he didn't know about your feelings…?"  
"He doesn't! He was asleep when I kissed him…"  
"Dear god, Ana… what if he wasn't sleeping?"  
"Oh god… please don't tell me he was awake… he would've reacted if he was!"  
"But why, Ana, why did you do it?"  
"He… looked so beautiful and I just… it just happened like that. I feel horrible for using the fact that he was sleeping to do something like that! I really want to apologize but what am I supposed to say? 'I'm sorry I kissed you while you were asleep in the garden'? I can't exactly say that!"  
"That is quite a problem, yes… well, if you ever get the chance, you should apologize to him. But now wouldn't be a good time."  
"I know! I just want to… I want him to know how I feel!"  
Sophie's arms around her felt comforting. Wait, when did she start crying? Not like she was surprised over crying… her heart was about to break.  
"Sophie… can't I just be with him already?"  
The words were barely more than a soft whisper, but she was sure Sophie had heard her.  
"Darling… you know how dangerous it is. But if you want to, you can try? Try to be with him?"  
"But what if he doesn't like me?"  
"I'll try and figure that out for you? I could ask him?"  
"What?! No, that's too embarrassing! I don't think I'd be able to deal with that… if he just saw me, and he knew… I would run away in embarrassment!"  
That was what assured her that she was in love; the feeling that she might die of embarrassment if he knew. She would probably do nothing but blush if she ever got close to him. Just everything about him made her heart skip a beat. That was mainly the reason she had to keep a distance from him.  
"Ana… you know how adorable that sounds, right?"  
"S… stop laughing Sophie, it's not funny!"  
"I think it is," she laughed and patted her head. Again, the feeling of Sophie being the big sister she never had overwhelmed her with warmth. She really loved Sophie; it was like they would be together forever. Why couldn't she have the same feeling about Valshe?  
Her feelings about him were that she could lose him anytime. She hated that feeling; she wanted to have the feeling that they could never be separated.  
Why couldn't she just be happy with him? All she wanted was to love him, be happy with him, smile with him, what was so wrong about that?  
It was a question she'd asked herself more than a million times. And she'd probably get to ask it to herself a million more times; since the chance of them ever being together was small; very small.  
She knew this, but why hadn't she given up yet?  
Maybe she did love him as much as Sophie was trying to describe.

Valshe found herself at a house she'd never seen before. It was comfortable being in with its calming, brown wooden walls and floor.  
The room was bathed in a warm, yellow light from the candles standing around on the tables and hanging on the walls.  
She was lying in a bed, it seemed. It was warm and soft to lie in, and she took another glance around the room. On her left was a door, and on her right a window with the curtains pulled over it. Despite the pain to her chest that was about to make her faint again, she sat up. What the hell had happened?  
She buried her head in her hands, trying to get the memories back. She had been talking to Sophie who walked away and then… she fainted? Yeah, she must have fainted. But still, how did she end up here?  
"Are you awake?" wasn't that the voice she'd heard just before fainting?  
She looked up to see a woman standing in the door with a little smile on her face. She wasn't exactly tall; but not short either, normal sized. She looked to be in her late twenties or early thirties, slim with golden hair and brown eyes.  
She had the face of a worried big sister.  
"Yes… what exactly happened?"  
"I was just walking by when I saw you on the ground… I tried to talk to you but you fainted all of a sudden… do you have some kind of sickness or something?"  
"Sickness? No, only this…"  
She opened the top four buttons on her shirt and pulled it a bit down to reveal her scar. The woman's eyes widened visibly at the sight.  
"H… how in the world did you get that? It looks horrible…"  
"This is only one third of the scar; its way bigger but I don't feel like taking off my shirt… I got it when I was younger, I was… someone tried to kill me."  
What was the point in lying anyway?  
"Kill you?! What did you do to make someone try to kill you?"  
"I… I didn't do anything, my parents apparently did. They couldn't find my parents, but they found me. Then you probably know the rest? I was chased through a forest and they didn't manage to get me killed, but they gave me this scar. I was just a kid… 8 years old."  
"How did you survive?"  
"I managed to drag myself back to the town and I was found by some of our family friends… I was treated until I could stand on my own legs again, and then I ran away."  
"You have quite a past, huh?"  
"I guess…"  
"I still haven't asked your name? My name's Maria."  
"Oh, right… I'm Valshe."  
"Valshe, huh… what a strange name you have."  
"I'm told that often…" she laughed slightly and tried to calm her aching chest down.  
"So… you get chest pains from the scar, or am I mistaking?"  
"Well… does being heartbroken give one chest pains?"  
She turned her gaze to her hands; maybe it was the stress of being in love that was affecting her health? If so she'd rather just leave the princess… but again, could she bear it?  
"Heartbroken? What happened to you?"  
"I… I'm hopelessly in love…"  
"Poor thing…" Maria had sat down on the bed beside her, "Why is it hopeless? Doesn't she like you back, is that the issue?"  
"I… I'll get killed if I'm with her, and so will she… and I don't even think she loves me anyway… how would she love a girl?! This whole thing is just stupid…"  
"I really wish I could help… wait a minute, girl? You're trying to tell me that you're a girl?"  
Valshe laughed once again, just about everyone on this planet would think she was a boy, and then be surprised when she was a girl.  
"Yes… despite my looks, I indeed am a girl."  
"Wow… you got me fooled there. I thought you were a boy, seriously."  
"Well I do try to pass for a boy, so I guess that's a good thing?"  
"Why do you try to pass for a boy?"  
"Well… I know it might sound weird… but I don't feel like a girl."  
"I see… you feel like you were born in the wrong body?"  
"Well… yes and no. I don't think I'd be able to be a guy… but I'm not a girl either. I don't really know what I am."  
"That sounds strange…"  
"I know it does. But it's not like I can help myself from being like this… so I'm just living with it."  
Maria put down the wet towels she'd been holding up until now and looked into her eyes.  
"I really just came here to ask if you were alright… so, are you doing any better?"  
"I'm feeling better, yes. I think you saved me there…" she let out an awkward giggle and scratched the back of her head.  
"You really should try to take better care of yourself… or else this will definitely happen again."  
"I'll do my best… oh gosh, what's the time?! I should be getting back…"  
"Back to where? I'll follow you home just in case…"  
"Um, the castle… I work and live there. I don't hope they got too worried about me…"  
"Oh, so you work at the castle?"  
"Yes, I'm the serving jester."  
"You do have that 'performer' kind of aura about you." She laughed slightly and helped Valshe up standing.  
She was still a bit dizzy, but it wasn't so much that she couldn't stand and walk.  
"Well, I don't know what that means, but thank you." She laughed back, trying to at least show one person that she wasn't feeling horrible. Even if she was feeling horrible, she didn't want to show it. Maria seemed to believe it, and they walked down the streets together in silence, headed for the castle.  
"Say… why is it so dangerous for you to be with her? I mean even if she's not interested in girls… you should still give it a shot?"  
"Well I would have… if she wasn't the princess."  
"A-are you serious?! You're in love with the princess?!"  
"I don't know why… but yes, I love her, I love her so much that it hurts."  
"It must be painful…"  
She smiled sadly at Maria before looking at the ground below her.  
"It's very painful…"  
The tears wouldn't stop; of course she had to cry now. Again, she felt Maria's arm around her shoulder.  
"Don't hold it in… I can see you need to get it out."  
They stood still for a while, Valshe just silently crying, trying to stop herself.  
"I… I-I'm sorry that I'm so weak…"  
"You're not weak! You're strong for not giving up, and I'm sure you will never give up!"  
She just cried more at this; would she really get to be with the princess if she didn't give up on hope? That scenario was like a dream, a dream she wished came true.  
Maria felt warm and comforting, like a mother, and she just held on to her tightly, not wanting to let go.  
Slowly, she calmed herself down and stopped the tears.  
"T-thank you… I think I needed that…"  
"Anytime."  
They shared a little smile despite the situation and walked the last way back to the castle together. Now Valshe was alone again. But had it really been her scar that caused the pain? Maybe… she was sick? No, she couldn't be… it's not like she'd ever had any bad diseases in her past… it was probably just her overreacting.  
She was surprised that the guard at the gate ran to her.  
"Oh gosh, you're back. All the servants have been worried sick, where have you been?"  
"I… I just took a long walk and I didn't pay attention to the time… I'm sorry for worrying you guys…"  
Telling the truth about stuff like her health wasn't exactly what she liked to do. She'd rather people didn't worry about her.  
"I see… anyways get in before the others get a heart attack thinking you're lying dead somewhere." He laughed slightly and gave her a gentle push towards the castle gates. Inside the castle she was almost run over by Isabelle.  
"Damn it Valshe! Don't worry me like that… I was worried sick! Are you okay?"  
"Isabelle calm down… I'm okay, look? See, I'm fine…" she forced herself to laugh sweetly, to not worry any of them. She hated people worrying about her; she really just wanted to be normal.  
Isabelle didn't seem to believe her but didn't say anything, and Valshe was left to herself. It was nice being under the familiar roof of her room again. She had been out all day, not that it surprised her; she had fainted after all. She was probably fainted for a couple of hours, and then there was the walk home… Now she just wanted to sleep, and forget everything.

"Ana, he's alright. He came back only fifteen minutes ago, completely fine and at his senses."  
"I'm so relieved… I thought he was dead…"  
"He wouldn't be, didn't I tell you?"  
"I know… but I didn't believe you. I'm happy I was wrong."  
"Maybe you could ask him if he's alright… It wouldn't be that suspicious now would it?"  
"No! I'm afraid that I might just burst out that I kissed him if I ever talk to him… even if I want to talk to him."  
"Ana you're hopeless…"  
"I know… but I'm so afraid that he might not feel anything for me, and my love is completely one-sided."  
"I don't think it is… but I've said this before; go and talk to him! I mean it, you really should!"  
"B-but…"  
"No buts! I want you to go and have a talk to him; do it as soon as you feel ready, got it?"  
"Y-yes… I'll do it, for you, Sophie."  
"Don't do it for me, do it for you."  
"I'll try…"  
"That's my girl."  
She decided to take a little walk around the castle, and her mind apparently took her to the servants' chambers. She strolled around a little before she found Valshe's door. What the hell was she doing here?  
She was seconds from knocking the door but stopped her hand before it could reach. He was most definitely sleeping right now; interrupting him was a stupid idea. She stood leaned on the wall beside the door, mentally arguing with herself over what to do now. Of course, just leaving would be the best idea, but she really wanted to see his face… to see for herself that he was alright.  
"I love you…" she hoped for both her own and Valshe's sake that he didn't hear it… but she needed to say it, "I love you Valshe…"  
She couldn't handle being there anymore and just ran back to her room, deeply hoping he hadn't heard her.  
Back in her room Sophie was waiting.  
"Where did you go?"  
"I just walked a little around the castle…"  
Sophie didn't seem satisfied with the answer but just shrugged and found Anastasia her nightgown. Now she was regretting what she'd said while at his door, what if he actually did hear her?! Then now what would happen? Would he ask her about it?  
"Ana, I know that you didn't only do that but I won't bug you… but please try to get some sleep?"  
"Mhm… goodnight, Sophie."  
"Goodnight."

Hearing things didn't exactly help Valshe to thinking that she was alright. In the latest time she'd had the feeling that she was going insane. Hearing things, those nightmares, windows opening without her knowing… soon enough she'd start hallucinating too, or what?  
"I hate this… let me be normal, please?"  
It was more of a thing she said to herself, but also to some invisible god up there, who might hear her wishes. But of course that was just another thing she thought to not feel so horrible about everything.  
But she was almost sure that she'd heard the princess just a while ago, and she'd said 'I love you, Valshe'… she was about to kill herself over hearing something like that, what if it hadn't been her imagination?!  
But the princess couldn't… love her… that just seemed too good to be true. Maybe she should talk to the princess… just to get things cleared up.  
But she was afraid… afraid of hearing how she really felt…. What if she didn't love her?  
"What if she hates me?"  
In some way, she wanted to hold on to this first love, even if it meant that the princess would never know of her feelings. Because if the princess didn't love her… all her hopes would be crushed, and she'd be back at the point where she had nothing to hope for. She'd never want to go back to that. It had been hard enough without having to get her heart broken.  
"Hear me, princess… I love you… I truly do love you… so please; let something bring us together…"  
_Anything at all_. Nothing mattered anymore, just that they could be together. She didn't wish or desire more than that. But could their love be granted? Could it be possible for them to be together?  
"Would you love me, princess?"  
A smile, which wasn't a smile at all, spread across her otherwise completely emotionless face.  
"Would you love someone like me?"  
Of course she wouldn't. Why would she? It was completely silly. She had been holding on to some stupid hope that Anastasia might have had feelings for her, but of course she hadn't; it was all just Valshe's imagination, they could never be together. And they never would.  
"We've barely even talked to each other…" her voice was filled with sadness; why couldn't life just be on her side, just for once?  
Why was she even holding on to her love? Was there really any reason? She doubted that for real now.  
"I'm sorry… I don't know if my heart can handle loving you much longer without breaking…"  
She didn't want to think so much anymore; it was getting very late, and she wasn't in the mood to stay up even one second longer, even if she knew that the dreams were waiting…  
_This time I'm sure I'm not in my own body; I'm wearing a long pink dress, and I can vaguely spot long, brown hair locks as I run through the forest. I can hear myself call out a name again and again, but the word doesn't get to my ears. Who am I calling?  
My voice is terrified and worried, and I keep running and running through the dark forest. In a little spot filled with blue roses I see something in the middle; someone's dead body.  
I walk closer and closer, not able to see the person's face yet, but whoever's body I'm watching from seems to know who it is.  
Because of the dark I can only partially spot the golden hair locks, and the pool of blood forming under the person.  
I can hear myself scream and run to the person.  
I pull the face of the person up…  
Oh my god…_  
Again she was ripped out of the dream with a scream in pain.  
"Oh no… oh no, no, no, no, NO! Oh god… that person…"  
She couldn't get the words forward, but she'd been grieving that dream.  
"It was… me…"  
It wasn't the first time she'd had a dream like that; seeing herself dead. But the place where her body was in the dream always changed from each dream she had.  
This time it had been in the forest behind this castle. Did this mean… that she would die out there? That she was destined to die in not so long?  
"NO! That can't be true… it was just a dream, Valshe, just a dream…"  
It didn't sound too convincing, but she had to believe it; she couldn't walk around fearing death just because of a dream. She wasn't that stupid, and she'd feel insane for believing a dream.  
She decided to play her flute… maybe that would make her forget it; she hadn't played her flute for a while anyways…  
The garden was completely empty, as expected, it was early morning.  
The sound of her flute pierced the silence. It was that time of the night where even the world itself seemed to be sleeping. The time where you felt like the only person in the world, and that you would never see another living soul ever again. And yet she liked it that way; she got to be alone then. The sound of the flute echoed in her ears, showing her pictures of a story; _her_ story.  
She loved the beautiful sound of the flute, she felt so good playing it. It was a wonderful and meaningful song, one of her ways to express her feelings; through music.  
And it came to her mind as a lightning striking inside her brain; how she could show the princess how she felt without telling her in person. But was it a good idea?  
She'd wait a little more… when it became unbearable she'd try it out. And if the princess didn't respond… at least she knew.  
She'd do if she could make sure of the princess' feelings.  
After the talk with Sophie, she was seriously starting to think that there might be something… but still, couldn't she just give up? Why did she have to cling on to every little possibility that they could be together? It would end badly anyway, it was fate after all.  
She took one of the midnight blue roses; wait, why hadn't she seen them before? They had appeared the other day with the princess in the garden… but they hadn't been here before that, right?  
She held the rose in her hand; it was almost shining, a beautiful night blue color… it matched her eyes.  
Did the princess notice stuff like this about her? She kissed the rose softly before walking back to her room, holding it in her hand. She knew what to do now… but did she have the courage to?  
The rose seemed so fragile; so she just gently put it down on her table, sitting on the chair with a pen and paper.  
She only wrote three words with her calligraphic looking handwriting:  
_'I love you.'_  
Nothing more than those three words, she knew it was enough. She tied the paper around the stalk of the rose and let it rest on the table, until she was ready to deliver it.  
"I love you…"  
Why couldn't she hear it? Why wouldn't she hear it? Valshe wanted nothing more than for the princess to be with her.  
Would she ever be able to tell her the truth? Tell her the truth about everything?  
Would she accept that Valshe was a girl? The chance was small… but maybe she had to take it?  
She wanted to give the princess the rose, but at the same time she wanted to tell her it in person.  
Love was conflicting; how in the world should she make her feelings reach?  
She didn't exactly think screaming out 'I love you' would be a good idea… and took yet another glance at the rose.  
"I'll… wait a couple of days… and then I might be able to give it to her…"

"Oh my god!"  
Anastasia opened her eyes with a gasp. She'd never thought she'd ever see a dream like that… did her heart try to show her that she might have a chance with Valshe? She could hear him playing the flute, but restrained herself from walking out there to see him, and just observed him from her balcony, making sure he wouldn't see her.  
She spotted him grab one of the blue roses, and give it a gentle kiss. He looked to be in deep thoughts, maybe arguing with himself over something?  
And wasn't that rose one of those he had put in her hair the night they encountered in the garden? What did he want one of them for?  
And what was he doing outside at a time like this anyways? Could he have had another nightmare, like the time she saw him sleeping in the garden?  
"I… want to see him…"  
But of course she couldn't; she would never be able to.  
Giving up… she didn't like it… she wanted to give it a chance… but it was too much to handle if he didn't love her.  
She would be even worse if he didn't love her… then she'd rather stay as she was right now. Right now all she wanted was to know why he had taken that flower… and what would happen to it.  
"Is he by any chance… planning on giving it to someone?"  
At the thought her heart dropped in her chest; what if he already loved somebody else? What if he already were with someone else?  
She wouldn't be able to live with herself… but then she'd have to think that he wanted to give the rose to her, was that even possible?  
Well, she was the one he'd discovered the roses with… maybe he was in love with her but couldn't get his feelings through?  
Could she really be that lucky?  
Her face went bright red at the thought; what if they did become lovers? Then what would happen?  
She hadn't even thought that far as she had been stuck on whether he had feelings for her or not.  
"Can't I just go and kiss him already?!"  
She wanted him… she wanted his heart all to herself. She wished for those eyes of his to focus on her and her only.  
"And I'll do what it takes… now I can't give up anymore…"  
If she could catch him tomorrow in the hallway she could get to talk to him in privacy. But could she really do it?  
"No… I won't give up. Now's it."  
She couldn't hold herself back any longer; she needed to know if she could give her heart to him… she hoped she could, because it was probably already too late; her heart already belonged to him, he didn't need to take it.  
And she hoped that his heart would belong to her one day. She wanted to just… see what was under his perfectly made mental mask.  
She'd only seen a bit of the boy hiding behind his normal smiling face, and that boy seemed to be going through some bad things.  
"I wonder why he was crying that time when I… k…kissed him…"  
"Darling, what did you just say?"  
She hadn't even noticed her mother come into the room and almost jumped hearing her.  
"I'm sorry, what do you mean, mother?"  
"Didn't you just say something? About kissing someone?"  
"What? No, I didn't, you must've heard wrong… I was admiring the weather."  
"It is indeed nice tonight…"  
Yes, she knew how to distract her mother; changing the topic always worked.  
"Mother… did you ever want to marry someone else than father?"  
"What?"  
"I know you and father's marriage was arranged, so I was wondering if you ever loved someone else?"  
The question didn't suggest something; at least she didn't think it did. It just sounded like a random, curious question.  
"If I loved someone else… yes, there was this boy in town… he was so nice to me, he didn't know about my real identity as a princess. I… we got involved, but when I told him he left me."  
"I see… I'm sorry, mother…"  
"Darling, don't ever go through the same as me, okay? You must absolutely not fall in love with someone who's not royalty! It'll only hurt you!"  
"I won't, I promise! I was just curious…"  
"Oh… I'm sorry for yelling like that."  
Even her mother thought it was stupid; maybe she should really give up. She could feel her body shaking horribly. She didn't want it to end…!  
"It's alright… I'm just… being a bit odd recently…"  
"I see… you should go and get some breakfast, I'll join you."  
Together they walked for the dining room; but Anastasia stopped in the middle of the hallway.  
"If… I would ever fall in love with a… 'normal' person… what would you say?"  
"Then I would do my best to get you away from him. So don't even think about it."  
"I was just asking… I'll never fall in love with someone who's not royalty."  
She almost jumped; Valshe was standing just across them in the hallway, looking a bit surprised. He bowed and walked past them, before disappearing around the corner.  
Oh no, he had probably heard the whole thing!  
Now there was no chance that he would ever realize how she felt…  
"Mother… I think I'll pass. I'm not really feeling hungry, is it okay?"  
"Yes… you can leave."  
She turned around and ran in the direction Valshe had been heading. She found him in the garden as usual. Before she got close to him she calmed down her heartbeat and breathing, to hide that she had been running.  
"Mr. Valshe."  
He turned around at his name being called. He looked like he had been about to cry but managed to hold it back. Why did he look so sad?  
As usual his sad expression was replaced by a sweet smile.  
"Yes?"  
"I… I need to talk to you."  
"I see… about what, if I may ask?"  
He really had no idea whatsoever?! Maybe he really didn't like her… but why had he been sad then?  
She tried to get the words said, but her mouth wouldn't move. Valshe seemed to spot this and kneeled down to pick one of the blue roses.  
"If you don't want to tell me it's alright, miss."  
He put the flower in her hair and walked past her.  
"Goodbye."  
Before she could even get one word said he was gone.

She did it! She delivered the rose to the princess… and hoped she would see the message. Now she just had to wait. Wait for the princess to see it.  
She met Isabelle in the hallway and smiled to her before walking back to her room. She had bathed yesterday as well, but she didn't feel it was enough, so she decided to take another bath.  
She slid off the plain clothes she was wearing and walked to lock her door. She wasn't comfortable with only her bathroom door locked. She took a towel around her hips and looked out the window. No one was there and she just pulled the curtains for the window and stepped into the bathroom. She started off with washing her hair, then her arms, legs and so on. When she reached her chest, she accidently stroked the scar which she had there, the scar she'd gotten as a child.  
A shock of pain went through her body and she felt her knees weaken below her. She felt her body collapse like it was made out of shattering glass and she fell to her knees, clenching her chest tightly.  
Oh gosh, now she was a goner, her heart felt like it was going to bend and break from the pain any minute.  
A scream escaped her and she collapsed completely, lying flat out on the ground; the last thing she heard before passing out was the sound of her head hitting something hard.

Again, the princess couldn't help but look at herself in the mirror, admire the rose. She didn't want to take it out, since he had given it to her.  
He had put it a gorgeous place in her hair, it looked perfect with her long, brown hair locks. She could feel how hungry she was getting, so she left the rose on the table and ran out of her room. If she was seen with that rose in her hair her mother would suspect something. In the dining room was her mother.  
"Mother… you haven't eaten yet?"  
"I told them to wait for you, darling."  
"Thank you very much, mother."  
The food was eaten in silence and they didn't share many glances, and no words were said. This was what it was like having dinner at a castle, it was quiet and boring.  
She made sure to finish her food in a proper tempo before standing up from the table.  
"I'll go take a shower."  
"You're excused, you can leave."  
"Thank you."  
Leaving the dining room was relieving. Living on a lie like Anastasia was didn't feel good; especially lying to her own mother was horrible.  
"I'm sorry for lying…"  
She knew no one could hear her apologize; at least she got it out. This was hopeless. Nothing else could get to her mind. Even if her heart believed that they would be together, her mind kept telling her how hopeless it all was.  
Therefore she started crying at the sight of the rose and just put it in her drawer. She couldn't bear looking at it, but she'd feel even worse about throwing it out. It was a gift from him after all, that was what mattered to her.  
"Valshe, please…" she took a glance at the drawer where she'd put the flower "please love me…"  
The tears wouldn't stop. She was so close to him, and yet he was so far away… Would she ever be able to get the last distance between them away?  
She had to be strong now… for her love's sake she would wait. Wait for him and see what would happen.

The whole world seemed so blurry; and it didn't help with the sharp pain she had in her head. Though the pain in her chest was completely gone her head was killing her.  
She'd hit the bathroom wall when she fell to the ground. On her head a bruise was slowly forming. Luckily it wasn't bleeding, but god it hurt her head. It was like she'd gotten a rock thrown in her face.  
She just covered the bruise with her bangs and grabbed a towel; she was damn cold after she'd been fainted naked on the bathroom floor.  
"I hope I won't get a cold…"  
She'd hate to get sick now; then she'd be late for the princess' response to the letter she gave with the rose.  
So far no sign she was getting sick; but she hadn't been conscious for more than a couple of minutes.  
Her body was aching and she wrapped herself in the towel, dragging herself to the closet. She found a pair of black pants and a big, blue sweater along with her underwear. Was it getting colder or was it just her imagination?  
The sweater felt nice against her cold skin; she hadn't bothered to put on something below it, she wasn't planning on going outside anyway. The thought of lying in her bed was really all that she wanted to right now… she felt like someone who'd been beaten up.  
As expected it felt nice… very nice.  
No! She couldn't let herself sleep at a time like this…  
She forced her tired body up and walked to the door. Everything around her seemed blurry. Even the garden was blurred from her vision, she could barely see anything.  
Despite this she managed to find the big tree and sit down. Her body was on fire; she hadn't even been using so much energy why did she feel like this?!  
Her head was still killing her and all she managed to see was the princess glancing at her… but then her focus faded out again, blurring the scenery from her.

"Oh gosh, Valshe! Valshe wake up!"  
His face was completely red; was he sick? Did he have a fever or something? He looked so different from usual, so weak… and vulnerable. His face showed nothing but pain as he seemingly struggled to keep his eyes open.  
To her luck she spotted Isabelle walking in the other end of the garden.  
"Isabelle! Come quick I need your help!"  
"Oh my god what happened to Valshe?!"  
"I-I don't know I just found him here… do you think he's sick or something?"  
She slipped her hand to Valshe's forehead.  
"Oh god Isabelle we need to get him inside, he's burning!"  
Together they managed to get him inside and lied down in one of the guest rooms. They kept a good eye on him; even made Sophie take a look at him, since she had medical experience and the doctor was away.  
"He's alright, it's just a fever… but it was stupid of him to go outside."  
"Poor Valshe…"  
Isabelle looked truly worried about Valshe. It hurt Anastasia deeply; she felt a stab of jealousy in her heart; she knew she shouldn't be feeling like this.  
"Miss Anastasia, can you keep an eye on Valshe? I have to go now…"  
"Yes, I'll stay with him."  
Okay, she'd get some time alone with him; it wasn't that bad. The room seemed so awkwardly quiet when Isabelle left.  
"Valshe, can you hear me?"  
He didn't respond; he was completely knocked out. She kneeled down in front of his face, laid her forehead on his.  
"I love you… if you can hear me, I love you… I know you might not love me, but I'm okay with that."  
His face looked beautiful even if he was asleep and in pain; everything about him just had to be perfect…  
Once again she found herself kissing him. Why did he have to be so attractive when he was sleeping?!

Valshe did nothing but keep her eyes closed. She couldn't believe what was going on, the princess confessed and on top of that… k-kissed her…  
All she could do was lie still, if she showed a sign of being awake everything would be ruined. She hated to do this to the princess, but she had to.  
Her lips were so soft… she'd never thought that she'd lose her first kiss like this; not that she disliked it.  
Before it got too much she luckily pulled away from Valshe. And luckily Valshe's body was as good as paralyzed from the fever, so she couldn't move even if she wanted to.  
"Oh god… I did it again!"  
_Again?_ H-had the princess done this before?! When had she done it before?! And why wasn't she aware of it?!  
She lied still for a while before she heard the princess walk out of the room, and then slowly opened her eyes.  
"D…did that just… happen?"  
It was like her body weighed a ton, but she got herself forced up sitting.  
"What on earth does this mean?"  
_What if it were just a dream?_ It must've been a dream… Just like the last time, it had been a dream. She had been right; the princess wasn't the one who came into the room; it was Isabelle.  
"Valshe, you're awake!"  
She returned the hug Isabelle gave her and buried her head in her shoulder.  
"Yeah… but I'm still a bit dizzy."  
"Then you should lie down…"  
"Yeah, I will…"  
The thing about the princess must have been a dream; she had a bad fever, she must've been hallucinating or something, she couldn't have been awake!  
"I had a dream…"  
"A dream about what?"  
"A-about… the princess."  
"Ohh… I'm sorry… are you okay?"  
"Yes… I'm fine."  
"Have you thought about telling her?"  
"S-she should know soon."  
"What?! You told her?"  
You could clearly hear the excitement in Isabelle's voice.  
"I… I gave her a rose with a letter on it, but I don't know if she's read the letter yet or not…"  
"I don't think she has; she didn't seem different from usual."  
"What a shame… I guess I'll have to wait."  
"I guess… I'm cheering for you."  
Isabelle's innocent smile again helped a bit on Valshe's bad mood. Maybe there was hope for her and the princess after all. Maybe it wasn't as hopeless as it seemed to be right now.  
"Isabelle… do you mind if I sing a song?"  
"No, I'd love to hear your voice."  
Valshe nodded and closed her eyes, starting to sing softly. Her voice sounded clear and beautiful in the otherwise quiet room. Sophie and two of the male servants stopped in the door when they passed by, looking almost shocked.  
She closed her eyes and continued singing the soft and soothing melody she'd known since forever. Inside her head played scenarios from her childhood, back then where the world seemed so bright.  
She heard claps around her when she finally stopped singing and opened her eyes.  
"Wow… you sound like a professional!"  
You could call Valshe one thing; baffled. She was completely confused.  
"T-thank you very much."  
She could feel the heat in her cheeks and clenched her hands, holding tightly onto the bed sheets. She'd never really experienced anything like this before and she didn't know how to tackle it. She was used to people not paying any attention to her.  
"I… I'm feeling better now, I think I should go back and get a change of clothes…" she wasn't really feeling good, but right now she needed to be alone.  
"Goodbye everyone."  
She ran out of the guest room and through the castle hoping no one would notice her. If she could just return to normal… but had it gotten too far? Was it too late for her to return to the person she once was?  
"I guess that's my fate…"  
On top of all these events through the day it had gotten late. It felt like that only minutes ago it was still morning. The days passed through quicker than she had thought they would. Nothing seemed to happen, and yet she felt like she had no time at all… like her life would end anytime.  
"I sound like I'm dying… I'm not; I'm feeling just fine… I'm not going to die, what a silly thought…"  
Luckily she could just forget about this as she let herself be taken into a black dream world by her warm bed.

What if he had been awake?! Then he would know… know about her feelings… why didn't he respond? Was he asleep or what?! This time she wasn't sure…  
While changing into her nightgown, her mother entered the room. She'd always admired her mother; the way she proudly walked around was truly the walk of a queen. The way she always would understand a situation was also wonderful. But this time, there was something Ana had to hide from this amazing person.  
"I have something to tell you."  
"What is it, mother?"  
"Your fiancé will come and visit us at the castle tomorrow. He'll stay for three days. I just came to tell you that you should be with him in these three days, so don't wander off on your own. Remember you're his coming wife."  
"Yes, mother."  
Great, just when she thought her life couldn't get worse… of course her jerk of a fiancé, Prince Peter would come over for a visit.  
The queen excused herself and left Anastasia alone in her room to sleep. She deeply hated her fiancé; not only was he a pervert, he was also only after the kingdom's money, and getting Anastasia was just a bonus of this.  
All Peter desired from Anastasia was her children, Anastasia was aware of that. She was nothing but his wife, who had to obey his every command. Just the thought of marrying him made her feel sick.  
"Why can't Valshe be my prince…?"  
The thought of him dressed as a prince had to be her motivation for the next three days. Hmm, that could work as motivation.  
She wanted to sleep but her body wouldn't put her to rest; she'd have to spend the next three days pretending she liked Peter. It would be a living hell.  
"But I have to live with it… for three days. That could work out? I'm sorry Valshe, you won't see me…"  
She fell asleep slowly, fading into a dream world where she saw nothing but his face.

The next morning she was woken early so she would be ready for her meeting with Peter. She'd do anything to just ignore him and be with Valshe. But she had to keep her hopes up; he was only staying for three days.  
Then she could get things cleared up with Valshe.  
She was put in a beautiful green dress and in her hair they put a flower ribbon. Why did she have to dress up all stylish for that idiot?  
The walk to the dining room felt like forever, and she counted her steps to waste the time. In the dining room sat Peter and she had to sit beside him. Ugh, she had to sit beside that pervert. She tried to keep a distance that didn't seem impolite to him; she didn't want to get too close.  
"Hello, my love." His smirk almost made her slap him across the face; why did she have to be engaged to this idiot?!  
"Hello, it's been a while." She replied coldly and looked straight forward, at the window across where she was sitting.  
She looked down at the feeling at something on her leg and slapped his hand away with an annoyed expression. Gosh why did he have to only try and get her to sleep with him? She would never, ever show herself naked to this jerk.  
"Today, we invited you here, Peter, to discuss your marriage with my daughter, Princess Anastasia."  
Her look was serious and official as it always was when she was talking to someone about important things.  
"I wanted to inform you that your marriage will be in a month."  
A month?! She was getting married to this jerk in a month?! It was ridiculous! They'd have to force her; she'd never do that voluntarily.  
"Since you're already engaged there won't be any problems."  
"I'll go to the toilet."  
Anastasia got up from the table and walked to the bathroom as quick as she could without running. With the door locked, she slowly started crying. She didn't want to marry that jerk! If she had to marry anyone… she'd marry Valshe.  
"Do I really have to bear that idiot's children?"  
Why was life so unfair? He had been here one day, and her life was already ruined. Now she'd never get to be with Valshe!  
She tried to pull her mind together; tried to find some good sides. Let's see… on the bad side; she could never be with Valshe, and she had to be with Peter, and she never got to figure out if Valshe liked her or not… on the good side…  
"On the good side… nothing."  
She couldn't find even one single good thing. Up until she'd only had her love for Valshe to hold on to, but now she had to give it all up… had to ruin her own life or she'd be killed.  
"If I can't be with him… I'd rather die."  
The words were filled with love and tears, filled with her strong love for him. She paced around the bathroom; there had to be a way she could avoid this from happening. Any way at all would be fine… of course the easiest was to get rid of Peter… but that was impossible.  
"There's nothing I can do… It's decided now…"  
Was this really it? Was this how her beautiful love story would end? Could it be much worse? She had to marry a guy that would probably rape her until the day she got too old or died from it. Was that really the fate she deserved?  
She wished that Peter would just die, and leave her alone. There was really no need for a guy like him in this world.  
A little while of planning bloody ways to murder him she was feeling good enough to go back into the dining room. As expected he was the only one still sitting in there.  
"My love~"  
"Drop the act, Peter. You know I hate you, so tell me why you're doing this?"  
He had gotten very close, probably in an attempt to scare her; but it didn't work, she wasn't scared of him.  
"You know why… for the money."  
"Yes, I do. I know why, but I still won't forgive you. And you might as well think twice before trying to get me to obey you."  
Before she knew of it she fell to the ground and took a hand to her cheek; the bastard had slapped her!  
"Don't you dare go against me, you know as well as I that it's already decided and you have nothing to say about this! Your body belongs to me now."  
She almost cried at the slap, but there was no way she'd let him see her tears, so she bit it in and stood up.  
"No matter what you do to me… I'll never belong to you."  
She didn't have more to say and just left the room, walking for her own room. She couldn't tell her mother about what Peter was doing to her; she had to satisfy her mother. It was nothing really… he'd just raped her at the last time he visited, and he slapped her every time she said something against him.  
He also once beat her up. But she had to cope with it, for the sake of her country. If she didn't marry him, his parents would declare war against them. And they weren't strong enough to win the war.  
She hadn't thought about this for a while, but Peter always brought those facts to her mind with him appearing. This meant that there was even more reasons to just give up on Valshe.  
But did she really want to just give up like this? It's not like she really ever gave it a chance. Yes, she did kiss him, but no, he had no idea that she did, and that didn't really count as a kiss now did it?  
She still had two and a half day left of being with Peter… and from now on she'd get to see him much more… it would be horrible. She didn't want to marry him!  
Would she ever get to see Valshe again? Or was this their last time together?  
Now what was she going to do? First she needed to wash her face in the bathroom, and hide the bruise from her mother.  
It wasn't so hard to hide it; since it was just a slap across the face it only needed some cold water and it was gone. The only thing left back was the itching feeling of his hand on her cheek. It was getting time for lunch. Soon meals would be a torture to her; one of the only times where she was forced to be with Peter. Maybe she should starve herself as revenge? Nah, it didn't matter so much anymore. She'd lost the fight; she'd lost her love.  
And that she never got to tell Valshe how she felt was even worse. Why did everything have to go bad no matter what she did?  
She just wanted to be happy and in love with who she truly loved.  
"And now I'm stuck with _Peter…_" she couldn't say his name with anything else than hatred and disgust. Again, like she had just a few hours ago, she had to sit beside him.  
She had to use most of the dinner time on slapping away his hands and sending him looks; if this continued she wouldn't get much food in the next while.  
She'd hate to disappoint her parents, and she knew that if she ran away that would start a war as well. No matter what, she had to marry Peter. She had to marry that jerk who raped and beat her up. One thing was that she couldn't love Valshe, but now this? Did she really have to be in such misfortune?  
At least they could've made her prince nice; but no, he had to be a violent, perverted bastard that would never make her happy.  
And on top of that she thought he was ugly; maybe he was good-looking, but she could see who was under his shell. What was hidden behind that 'perfect' and 'handsome' prince? Well, Anastasia was one of the persons who could see that.  
She'd always had the ability to see if a person was good or bad; she couldn't tell how they were bad or good, but she just knew it.  
That's why she thought of Valshe as pure-hearted. Nothing about him suggested that he would have bad motives; actually the exact opposite. Even if he might love her, he stayed away and kept a distance because he knew the danger. But he couldn't force himself to hold back, could he? One day he would probably tell her if he did love her… but now it was too late. His pure and beautiful heart had been too late. She could never reach him, and he would never reach her.  
All because of Peter and her god damned arranged marriage. If she could just knock him out and tell him just how much she hated him, she'd feel much better.  
She knew she'd have to spend the next couple of days being nice to him; letting him touch her, and what else he would do to her she had to cope with as well.  
Was this really how she'd spend the rest of her life? Not knowing whether her love was one-sided or not?  
This was really rock bottom. And she'd never get up again.  
She tried to eat but she just couldn't get herself to. Her efforts to eat were useless; her stomach was cramped and she was feeling sick, ashamed of her own weakness.  
Was she really just giving up now? Would she just give up and let her fate be this? Was she really that weak? What had happened to the strong-hearted princess who believed in her love? Where was that princess now?  
Since she knew that she wouldn't eat much more even if she tried, she stood up from the table and excused herself once again, running to her room.  
And as expected, Peter followed her in the room and stood in the doorway.  
"What do you think you're doing?"  
"I wasn't hungry."  
"You need to eat; are you trying to starve yourself to get back on me?"  
"No, actually not; I'm just feeling sick over having to marry a bastard like you."  
Again she felt the sharp pain to her cheek as he slapped her. She knew she was asking for it, but she wouldn't stop now.  
"Oh so you're trying to say you think you can get someone better than me? Think over again; I told you, you belong to me now!"  
"Maybe I'm your wife… but my heart already belongs to someone else."  
"You're lying."  
"I'm not lying, Peter. There is no way I'd love someone like you. And the person who took my heart… he didn't even have to try. I knew my heart belonged to him from the very beginning."  
She had gotten up, her eyes shining with the hatred she'd been suppressing for years.  
"You're trying to say that you're cheating on me? I'll find that bastard and kill him…"  
"It's no use, he's not aware of my feelings towards him, so even if you searched for him you wouldn't find him. It could be any man at this castle, as well as any man in town. Because you can torture me, rape me or beat me up, do whatever you want; I won't tell you his name."  
She didn't even blink when he slapped her again; this time harder.  
"You will tell me his name; I'll make sure you do. I'll make you so miserable that you have to tell me."  
"I'm already miserable just with you here, you don't have to try to make me miserable, just continue doing what you're doing. You're already ruining my life. Why do you want to marry me so much?"  
"Well, you are one fine piece of ass, Anastasia. But you know I only want to rule this country and nothing more. You're just a side bonus I get. You're my toy. Got it?"  
"I will never be your toy… do what you want with me… but I'll never give in to you."  
_I'm doing this for Valshe…_ Valshe was the only thing keeping her heart strong. She had to believe in him; no, she had to believe in her love for him!  
That way, she had a chance of being able to deal with Peter, at least until her and Valshe got this thing cleared up. Then she'd handle Peter afterwards. She could take some beating, she wasn't what you would call 'weak', and at least for a girl she was strong. She had a strong heart, and her body could take a beating. So you would call her 'strong'.  
"You're saying that now; but you don't know what I'll put you through if you don't obey me."  
"Do what you want… I don't care anymore."  
"That's the spirit; you'll lose to me, my love~"  
With those words he left the room, leaving Anastasia enraged back, standing with a hand on her cheek.  
"I hate you… I hate you with all my heart, Peter, and you'll pay for what you've done to me…"  
She had to find a way to spend her afternoon; and avoid Valshe. If she saw him now they'd be in serious trouble.  
And she didn't really want to ruin it before it had started.  
No matter what, she should be able to at least ask Valshe about this. She'd have to wait a bit for the time to come, but she'd been waiting for months, years, even; a few more days couldn't break her down. In her room she found a book with old fairytales in it; she could just fine waste some time on reading.  
She hadn't seen Sophie in a while now… what could she be doing?  
"Maybe she's just busy… it's not like I'm forcing her to be with me."  
She sighed and lost herself in the book; she decided to read the story out loud, even if no one would hear it.  
"_Once upon a time, there was in a castle a lonely and sad princess. She was tormented by her parents and family who wouldn't show their love to her. The grieving princess could do nothing but sit back and accept her fate. If she ever went against her parents, she would be killed, at least." _The story was oddly appealing to Anastasia and it kind of scared her, but she kept reading _"This princess fell in love to a man in town, whose eyes shone like pure gold. He was beautiful, and she fell in love with him at first sight. They would laugh and be together as often as they could; the princess had disguised herself so that he wouldn't know who she was.  
Their time was wonderful and happy. They were happy together; the perfect match for each other. But one day, he saw who she really was, and he reacted violently, asking her why she would have lied to him.  
The princess was torn apart in sadness; he had left her the moment he figured out the truth about her; they both knew it was for the best, if they stayed together what wouldn't happen to them?  
All she had left of her lover was one, single, red rose…  
The rose never withered; it would stay in full bloom forever, as a proof of their love. Her parents had not yet figured out the truth about her love affair, and she wished for it to be like that forever.  
But her parents started asking questions about where she'd gotten the seemingly magical rose, and she was having her problems keeping it a secret.  
As grieved for, her parents figured out the truth about her and her former lover. They tracked him down by forcing his name out of her and he was killed.  
They also threw the rose in the lake outside the castle so that she would never see it again.  
She thought that now she had lost any memory she had of him, when the rose appeared at her table again.  
And she knew that he would never leave her. Even if he was dead, he would stay with her forever.  
That was her last thought before she let herself be poisoned by the thorns of the rose.  
The princess died happily, thinking about her lover who she would soon unite with in heaven.  
The end._"  
What a beautiful and sad story… in the middle of it she had started crying and just stared at the old pages.  
How could a story fit so well on her emotional problems right now? Was there a reason that she read this exact story and not another one?  
No, how silly, of course not. She was just a bit overwhelmed by the sadness of the story, nothing else. This wasn't something she should think of as a thing that would decide her fate. But… the rose was the thing that bothered her the most. Valshe had given her a rose! A blue rose, a beautiful, blue rose.  
Why was the rose the symbol of their love in the story? Did this mean that Anastasia had to take good care of that rose?  
"No, Anastasia, think logically. It's just a story, nothing else… it's a story that gets very close to _my _story… but it's nothing else."  
It was getting late afternoon; she had to find her evening gown.  
She had a million dresses; deciding on just one seemed almost impossible. That's why she always made Sophie decide, since she herself kept changing her mind when searching for a dress.  
After almost 10 minutes of hopeless searching, she took out her five favorite dresses; a dark blue one with a ribbon around the waist and a soft, long skirt, a black one with a transparent skirt over the black one which had white flowers on it, a white one with green sleeves and a green ribbon around the hips, another blue one with black silk over she shoulders and a completely white one with a black rose at the very middle of the chest.  
She put the clothes down on the bed and closed her eyes. She randomly took the first thing she could feel in her hands and looked at it.  
She'd picked the black one with the rose print over the skirt.  
It looked wonderful on her, as most dresses usually did. Even the color red suited her well; she just didn't like wearing it, she felt that she was standing out in bright red, and she'd rather just blend in, wearing a calm color.  
She put her hair up with black artificial roses; she looked beautiful. She'd love to show herself like this to Valshe.  
She decided on doing something slightly different; she dedicated this outfit to Valshe. She knew it was silly but it kept her smiling so what was the problem?  
The rule that she had to sit beside Peter was the most annoying rule ever invented on this planet. A rule that she had to sit beside a guy who kept trying to grope her, and that he was actually allowed to grope her, was just a stupid rule.  
Luckily she hadn't picked a too showy dress, so she felt a bit secure that he wouldn't stare at for example her breasts if they were showing a bit; the dress had a turtleneck.  
This time she managed to eat at least a little; not giving up made her feel a bit better. The feeling of going against Peter was wonderful.  
Just two more days… just two more days and she could talk to Valshe… it was going to be the longest two days in her whole life, but she would cope with it.  
She didn't really eat and enjoy the food; just took it into her mouth and swallowed. She couldn't enjoy food at a time like this.  
What would she do? What should she do when Peter went back to get ready for their wedding? Should she just talk to Valshe and get everything clear?  
She'd have to think about that when the time was for it; right now, she had to focus on not trying to suffocate Peter in the next two days.  
"Darling, are you feeling alright? You're not eating so much; doesn't the food suit your taste?"  
"I'm feeling fine, mother. I'm just not so hungry."  
She tried to sound as casual as possible, and judging by her mother's expression, it had worked.  
"I see… maybe you should go lie down if you're feeling bad."  
"Yes, I would like to go lie down."  
"Then you're excused."  
Finally an excuse to leave the room; she'd been waiting for that. Tiredly she headed for her own room. Her dress was starting to feel heavy on her, and the skirt seemed to drag behind her.  
She was already getting tired of this; could she really last two more days? The second she came into her room, she turned off the lights to make them think that she was sleeping.  
Everything was quiet as she sat at her balcony looking at the moon. Until she heard the sound of a sweet, soothing and not to mention, familiar singing voice in the distance.  
Valshe was singing again. He was standing in the middle of the garden, dressed completely in white; he truly looked like a fairy tale prince.  
She recognized the song; it was a song which you sung for the moon. But the song was in a foreign language. She only recognized the melody.  
She stared at his figure dancing around in the garden. How could someone possibly be so perfect? His neat, slim body moved like the wind itself, dancing round and round in a dance to the moon. She wished she could just reach out and touch him, but he was too far away.  
Would he always be out of her reach?  
She closed her heavy eyelids listening to his soft, enchanting voice. His voice was just as wonderful as himself; he sounded like an angel.  
She could feel how sleepy she was getting and got up from the balcony to walk inside her room again. She didn't notice up until now how cold she was; she'd been outside for a while, so it wasn't that much of a surprise. His voice disappeared as she closed the door to the balcony and pulled the curtains for the windows.  
The room was now completely dark and she slid off the black dress putting on her white nightgown, before she noticed that Peter was standing in the door. When had he opened it?  
"Oh, you're going as far as to spy on me. I didn't think you'd sink that low."  
She was completely cold; he'd humiliated her several times, and she'd gotten used to him being a pervert. So a thing like him spying on her change her clothes wasn't exactly surprising.  
"You know very well why I'm here."  
"Well at first I thought it was because you wanted to see me naked, or maybe for me to sleep with you, but you're trying to figure out who the guy that owns my heart is, right?"  
"You know I'll figure out his name soon enough…"  
Yeah, like in hell he would figure out who Valshe was. She was basically avoiding him, he'd never know.  
And bringing Valshe in danger over this was stupid. There was a chance that Valshe didn't even return her feelings.  
So, avoiding him seemed logical right now. She just needed to handle it two more days… only two more days and she'd get to talk to Valshe, hopefully.  
Even only two days seemed almost impossible; when with Peter it felt like forever. She didn't feel like she would be able to handle getting spied on, groped and beat up for two more days.  
But for Valshe's sake, she'd do her best.  
"I already told you; he has no idea I love him, and he probably doesn't love me anyway. But he's the only thing keeping me from murdering you; you can thank him for that."  
"I'll figure out who he is; and I'll snap his neck myself when I do."  
"I won't let you lay a hand on him."  
She smacked the door close just in his face and locked it.  
"Goodnight, Peter."  
She walked directly to her bed and lied down. She'd kill Peter if he ever figured out who Valshe was. And then she'd probably kill herself afterwards, so that she wouldn't be tortured to death. She'd at least try her best so that Peter wouldn't figure it out.  
It wasn't so obvious if she completely avoided Valshe the next two days. Then he wouldn't suspect Valshe, at least. The rest she could prove she didn't love.  
"I can do it."  
It sounded convincing in her ears, and she actually believed it. She could do it. Slowly, she drifted into a completely black and silent world, as she fell asleep.

The next morning she felt nothing but irritation in her mind. Her head was hurting, and she was feeling dizzy. It was probably because she hadn't exactly eaten enough food.  
She'd try to get something to eat today; she couldn't starve herself just because Peter was pissing her off. She'd find another way to get back at him.  
"I hate this… I hate you, Peter."  
She made sure to use as long time as she could to search around her closet, after locking her door safely. She did not want Peter to spy on her again.  
In her closet she found a dark blue dress, fitting for the time of year. She locked her balcony door and pulled the curtains over all the windows just in case and stepped out in the huge bathroom.  
It didn't take long for her to undress and sit in the tub, waiting for it to be filled with the hot water. She'd love to do stuff like this with Valshe… just seeing him naked…  
Her face once again went bright red at the thought. Did she just try to imagine him naked?!  
"Why am I thinking such things?! I feel bad… I shouldn't think about him like that… but I'm so curious… I'm not thinking about… wrong things… I just want… to see him…"  
The wish of seeing him naked was also build on another thing; if he would actually trust her enough to take a bath with her.  
She was getting really embarrassed; she couldn't get the picture of him naked out of her head. She'd have to forget it… it was too embarrassing. And what if she by accident revealed his name to Peter?! Then she'd ruin everything in a matter of minutes.  
She made sure to use as much time as she could; it'd make the breakfast last shorter time, and maybe she wouldn't have to be with Peter for so long. Trying her best to not be with him was all she could do to stand him.  
Luckily, sleeping together before marriage was forbidden, so she didn't have to worry about that part just yet.  
Yes, he had raped her before, but damn no, she didn't want it to happen again. One time was bad enough; she didn't want it to happen ever again.  
Of course if they got married they had to spend at least one night together. She didn't want to bear his children!  
"I don't want him to make love with me… because I know he doesn't love me… and I hate him…"  
But she'd have to swallow her pride for just today and tomorrow; then she would have some time for herself.  
And then she'd get married to Peter. Her life would be over in a month. What a horrible feeling; that her life would be decided for her. That she would be forced to spend the rest of her life with a man she hated.  
"It'll be alright... I shouldn't think like that… it'll be alright… I hope."  
The water was getting cold and she got out of the tub, emptying the water out of it. The bathroom was cold so she grabbed a towel from the drawer and wrapped it around herself.  
A big bathroom was one of her wishes when she'd picked her room in the castle as 16 year old. She found the room in the castle with the second biggest bathroom of them all and picked it out.  
And she loved the bathroom with its clean, white walls and huge tub.  
She ran her finger along the inner side of the tub before using another towel to dry her hair. One after one she took the locks of hair in her hand, drying it with the towel.  
It took a little while but she managed to finish and put her hair up with blue ribbons matching the dress before putting on her underwear.  
Had she gotten thinner? Her body seemed different, or was it just her imagination? Maybe she should get something to eat… it wouldn't be a bad idea; she'd barely eaten mostly because of Peter.  
The dress warmed her cold body and she opened the bathroom door. No one was there; she'd hate for Peter to be there, like he usually was, spying on her.  
That man was the worst pervert she'd ever known of, and he wouldn't stop at only this. If she didn't keep her distance he would most definitely try to rape her, even if it was against the rules of their marriage.  
"Why can't he just understand that I hate him? Why can't he realize how stupid he is for wanting to marry me? I'll never satisfy him… I'll make sure I won't."  
She slid in her indoor shoes and a cardigan over her dress, walking for the dining room. To her big irritation, they'd been waiting for her to show up. Dragging the time out wasn't an option?  
She sat at her regular chair besides Peter and looked at her plate. As long as she wasn't forced to talk to him it was fine. He would probably prefer her to shut up anyway.  
Because he knew that she would say nothing but bad words about him if she decided to talk. She had something on him, but she couldn't use it to anything.  
If she told her mother how Peter was treating her, she'd put her whole country in danger, and that's not what she wanted to happen… she just wanted everyone to be happy.  
Why couldn't everyone just be happy?  
That was the world, after all. Someone had to suffer for others to be happy. And now it was her turn to sacrifice her happiness for others.  
She'd make everyone happy by freeing them for war by marrying Peter. She'd have to be sad the rest of her life, but at least she'd saved her country.  
No, she couldn't give up! But everything just seemed so hopeless… like it would never be good. She was lucky if she ever got to talk to Valshe again, just once. She just needed to talk to him once. Just once and everything would be alright.  
Okay, maybe not alright, but at least… she got rest in her heart. She wanted to know if she could let her heart belong to him, and if she had a chance with him; a chance that they might be able to get together one day. That would be wonderful, like a dream life.  
She couldn't really focus on the food; she couldn't get Valshe out of her head. He kept returning to her mind over and over again, the only thing that kept her hopes up.  
She forced herself to eat everything on her plate before standing up, with a simple declaring that she'd go to the bathroom. And she did go to the bathroom.  
Since yesterday how much time had she spent here? Probably too much time, compared to how much time you'd normally spend in the bathroom.  
Had she made sure to lock the door?  
Yes, it was locked. Who knew when Peter might show up? He was the type that you couldn't count on would stay away. If he'd go as far as to interrupt her in the bathroom, she wouldn't hesitate with hitting him.  
She could handle a bit, but if she couldn't have her privacy in the bathroom, he had taken a step too far, and she would hit him for it.  
She looked at herself in the mirror; even if she'd gotten proper sleep she still looked sick and exhausted. Her skin was pale and her eyes looked weak and dull.  
They weren't shining like usually.  
Would she look like this for the rest of her life because she had to stay with Peter? She looked… dead.  
All life in her body, all energy, was taken away by Peter's presence. And she'd have to spend her life like that; the only proof that she was still alive being the fact that her heart was beating and that her brain was functional.  
But her soul would be dead. Her soul would die and she'd be left as an empty shell, and Peter would have won.  
He would definitely win one day, by taking away her soul. Then she would be his toy.  
"I won't let that happen…"  
A little spark showed in her eyes; it wasn't too late yet. Had she just been about to give up?!  
She had to do her best, if not for her own sake, then for Valshe's. She'd promised herself to do this for Valshe.  
"And yet I was seconds from giving up… I shouldn't be so weak."  
In her eyes was nothing but sheer determination. She'd have to work this out some way. Even if it was hopeless… she couldn't give up without trying.  
"For you… for you I'll do it."  
Valshe, he was the love of her life… why did he have to be so far away from her reach? Why couldn't she just reach her hand out… and take his hand?  
Couldn't it just be that simple?  
Life was surely not on her side, and it had never been… and it would probably never be on her side.  
But even if the whole world was against her, she'd try her very best. She couldn't give up. She wouldn't give up until the second she died.  
Until the day she'd die, she would dedicate her heart and spirit to Valshe. No matter what happened to her… or him… she wouldn't give up.  
She simply couldn't give up; there was no giving up anymore, no turning back. If she didn't take her chance now, nothing would happen, and she would end up as a marionette, Peter's toy.  
That was the last thing she wanted. She'd rather die than become his toy. If they ever married she'd definitely run away from him and hide in a neighboring country. But of course she couldn't do that; she'd put her country at stake if she did.  
She'd have to live with him if they ever married. She'd have to live a life with abuse from him, having to say that she loves him. And she would die that way.  
But couldn't she stop thinking about that? It was the worst case scenario and she'd rather think about rainbows and flowers.  
"Oh god how long have I been out here?"  
She hurried out of the bathroom to the nearest clock she could find. She'd been out there for half an hour and now she needed to find a way to spend until noon where she had to eat lunch. It was really the way her days went by; eat, do something, eat, do something, eat, go to sleep. She couldn't really manage much more. Again on the hallway she encountered Peter and before she knew it he had dragged her into the nearest room.  
"You're on to something. What the hell do you think you're doing?"  
On to something? What the hell should she be doing? Up until now she'd behaved, but she was hitting her limits on him being so suspicious for no reason at all.  
"What I'm up to? Well I'm trying to avoid seeing your ugly face, that's what."  
She hated talking to him; and now she really wouldn't lie to him. No matter if she behaved or not he'd hit her and yell at her. She might as well keep her pride.  
"Don't get all cocky with me, you little…"  
He didn't finish the sentence; just hit her so she fell to the ground. He had done it so many times that it didn't really hurt her anymore.  
"Don't worry, I'll marry you. But I don't love you, so you'll have to deal with this if you want to marry me. But you're only doing it for the money so it's fine, right?"  
Despite the fact that she'd just been hit, her voice was powerful, bathed in and dripping with the hatred she felt towards him, a small smile playing on her lips.  
"Don't even think about going against me, you're done for if you do so."  
"Well… I seem to be against you just fine, don't I? You don't scare me… and your hits doesn't affect me… you can kill me if you want, that would only help."  
"What about that guy you love?"  
"He won't be hurt; the chance that he loves me is small."  
"I'll find a way to make you mine… you just wait."  
"I'm waiting, and I'm _so terrified oh no._"  
She made sure that he heard the sarcasm in her voice with the last part of the sentence, and earned another hit from him, which just made her smile more evident. She loved doing this to him, he was obviously upset while she was all calm.  
"Don't look down on me! You belong to me!"  
She decided not to answer and he just left. Again she got that wonderful feeling from talking back to him. Just telling him things like this made her blood boil. She would love to see him bend under her strength. Because she was stronger than him, maybe he could hit her and yell at her, but her heart would never ever bend under his torture. He wasn't strong enough to take away her willpower.  
She wouldn't let him, never, not in her lifetime.  
"No… I have you where I want you."  
The statement didn't seem like a lie this time; she actually had him where she wanted him. He might have be able to hit her, and yell at her, but he needed to do better than that if he wanted to break her.  
Outside the weather was getting rainy, and the garden looked dull and boring, compared to how it looked when the sun was shining.  
It fitted the situation perfectly.  
If she ever got to be with Valshe, would the sun shine brightly over them to bless their happiness? Would they even be happy together?  
She could still faintly feel his lips against hers from when she'd kissed him. Just imagining how it was made her blush faintly. Even if he hadn't been awake, she still couldn't get the fact that he had been so beautiful out of her head… and how soft his lips had been. Every time she was alone, it came back to her clearly. How wonderfully sweet the moment had been.  
"I'll make sure that he's awake the next time…"  
If there was a next time, that is. No, there would indeed be a next time. She had to stop questioning herself and just believe. She had to believe that things would go good, or else she'd just get on the verge of depression once again. The clock sounded in the whole castle; it was noon now, and she had to get to lunch. Or, the daily amount of torture, as she would call it.  
Peter was one hell of a horrible companion, not to mention fiancé. The second she entered the dining room she knew there was something waiting for her. She sat down and glanced around; they definitely wanted to tell her something.  
"Darling, today you're going to see your wedding dress."  
Wedding dress?! Oh god, she already hated it; her marriage with him wasn't just a bad dream, huh? She'd love to say something like 'If I can marry the man I actually love' or something like that but being royalty forced you to marry the person who was chosen for you. You couldn't choose your husband or wife yourself when you were royal. She already knew that the dress would be pretty, but that wasn't the issue; it was the purpose of the dress that made her hate it even before she'd seen it.  
"Yes, thank you for telling me."  
She didn't know what else to say; should she have said something like 'oh my I can't wait to see it!' or something of the like? She'd throw up over saying something like that; she couldn't wait to get away from it and just forget that it existed.  
They ate their food in complete silence; as usual at the castle. It was an almost suffocating silence, and Anastasia could feel her stomach harden, like a rock. It felt horrible; like she was getting sick. After lunch she was practically dragged to the changing room by Sophie and her other maid, Luanne. They locked the door to the changing room and took the curtain covering the dress, off.  
"Do you like it?"  
"It's very beautiful…" her attempt to hide the sadness in her voice failed, and Sophie sent her an understanding look.  
Luanne raised an eyebrow at the tone, though.  
"Is something wrong, your majesty?"  
"No, Luanne, I'm fine."  
She forced a smile and took a glance at the dress. It was white, big and glittered in the light from the candles. It looked like it was made of pure snow, soft, fluffy and shiny. It had a flower pattern on the skirt, and a knitted rose on the top, on the left side of the chest. It was really beautiful. If she could just marry Valshe… so Valshe could enjoy this dress, and not Peter.  
"Want to try it on and see if it fits?"  
"Yes, I would like to try it."  
It was a perfect fit, as usual. The dress matched her eyes perfectly.  
"I suppose you've found a ribbon of white roses to match the dress, right?"  
"Yes, you got that right, miss."  
Again she got a sad look in her eyes; why, oh why did she have to marry him? She couldn't stop the tears and three words weakly escaped her.  
"I hate this…"  
"Miss Anastasia?!"  
She slid off the dress and sat on her knees on the floor.  
"I hate Peter… I don't want to marry him… but I know I have to…"  
The words wouldn't stop; she couldn't hold herself back anymore, she needed to get rid of her frustrations.  
"He hits me… rapes me… yells at me… but I have to be with him, or our country will be at war…! What am I supposed to do?"  
"Miss… is this really true?"  
Of course it was Luanne; she wasn't used to see Anastasia like this, and she would probably never see her like this again.  
"It's the truth…"  
Up until now she'd been wearing something to hide it, but she revealed the bruise at her neck from his hit.  
"See this? He gave it to me earlier today…"  
Luanne looked terrified at the sight… poor girl, to have to listen to Anastasia be like this. She probably wasn't used to it.  
"T…that's horrible! You should get him executed! He should be killed for that!"  
"You know we can't, Luanne… his family will declare war against us if I don't marry him… and they don't care about what he does to me. I'm forced to stay with him forever, whether I want it or not. I'm forced to sleep with him and bear his children. I'm forced to be his wife forever."  
"You're willing to give up your soul for the country?"  
"It's not a question about will; I have to, even if I wasn't willing to."  
"Why haven't you told anyone what he's been doing to you?"  
"I told Sophie…but I also told her to keep it a secret."  
"We have to try to do something! We can't let you end up like that!"  
"I have no choice, Luanne…" she had put on her dress again and covered up the bruise "I have to."  
Luanne nodded silently before hugging Anastasia.  
"I feel so bad for you, miss…"  
Anastasia just hesitantly patted her back, trying to calm her down.  
"It's okay, I'll live."  
"I still feel bad for you…"  
She wriggled gently out of Luanne's grip and walked to the door. She left before any of them could grab her. She would never be able to escape Peter, but at least she could do her best to defy him. Her room was cold and clean as always, and she lied directly down on the bed after locking her door. Her ceiling was painted with paintings of angels; a gift from her parents when she moved in. This way, they believed that the angels would always watch over her.  
"But it didn't work…"  
She traced down every single detail on the paintings; all the colors, the figures and the patterns; the small details and everything else about it. After a while it got pretty boring and she sat up in the bed; her gaze fell on the drawer.  
"The rose…"  
Her body moved on its own to the drawer, grabbing the key from her table. She opened the lock and took out the blue rose. Amazingly it was still in full bloom, beautiful and shining.  
Her eyes widened a bit examining the rose closer. There was a small piece of paper tied to the stalk of the flower.  
Did Valshe put it there? It could only have been him… he was the one who gave it to her, after all. With shaking hands she took the paper off the stalk and put the rose on the table. On the small piece of paper, three words were written down with almost calligraphic handwriting. She read it over and over again, to make sure she hadn't read it wrong.  
"I love you…"  
There was nothing else written than those three words on the paper, and she knew it was from Valshe.  
"Does this mean…?"  
She clenched the paper in her hands, crying. He actually loved her… and she could've known days ago if she'd just noticed the piece of paper when Valshe had given her the rose. Had he been too afraid to say it in person? She felt so happy despite it being such bad news. That he actually loved her… it seemed like a dream.  
And she'd have to wait another day before talking to him, now the one day would get even longer. Almost unbearably long. All she wanted was to go directly to him and just kiss him… now she could actually just do it, because they loved each other.  
But she'd have to wait until tomorrow. She put the paper and the rose back in the drawer and locked it safely.  
"I love you too, Valshe."  
If he could just hear her now… if they could just be together one more time… then everything would be good.  
"I can talk to him the day after tomorrow… I'll have to wait…"  
It was about time for dinner and she dragged herself to the dining room once again. It seemed like she had to be there all the time.  
She just ate her food and got out as soon as she saw her chance to. There was really no reason to stay; she just needed to make the day tomorrow go by as fast as possible.  
She did though get a little more energy, a happiness making her heart beat, just like it did when she first discovered her love towards Valshe; a wonderful little feeling in the core of her heart. She'd love to talk to him now; but it was too risky. If Peter, of all people, caught them together he would kill Valshe. He had after all said he would.  
"What are you smiling for?"  
It was Peter's voice; he was standing in her door again.  
"What do you care?"  
"You've been seeing that jerk haven't you? All those tours to the toilet, and you spend hours in your room… you're out seeing that jerk, aren't you?"  
"No way in hell. He doesn't love me, I already told you."  
"Then why the smirk?"  
"Oh, you'd love to know, right?" she replied sarcastically and sent him a dominating look, still smirking.  
"Don't you dare have a secret for me, or I'll kill you…"  
He pinned her to the wall with a hand on her neck.  
"Yes… kill me and you won't get your money… without me you can't get this country, remember?"  
She had him where she wanted him; and he knew it. He just wouldn't admit it. Hesitantly he let go of her and walked out the door.  
"I'm leaving first thing in the morning… and don't you dare do anything while I'm gone…"  
In the morning? So she could talk to Valshe already tomorrow?  
"What should I do?" she smirked at him and closed the door behind him, before locking it. Even if it wasn't late yet, she just let herself fall to the bed and closed her eyes. Now she just needed to sleep the last time away… then she could talk to Valshe one last time… just one last time and she would finally get everything in place. It was calming to think about and she almost drifted into sleep, when her door was opened.  
"Ana, are you asleep?"  
"Sophie… no, I'm not."  
She sat up and smiled softly at Sophie, gesturing at her to sit down. They sat together on the bed.  
"Did you want to talk to me, Sophie?"  
"I wanted to ask you if there was anything new with Valshe."  
"Well…" she lowered her head blushing slightly, "I-I found this."  
She handed Sophie the piece of the paper from Valshe. Sophie took one glance at it, and gasped.  
"You're sure it's from him."  
"I couldn't be surer."  
"My god, Ana, this is wonderful!"  
She returned Sophie's tight hug and they stood like that for a while; Anastasia finally felt that this was really good news.  
"So… what will you do?"  
"After Peter leaves… I'll talk to him. And then we'll see what happens."  
"I see… good luck. And goodnight."  
Sophie left the room, and Ana put the paper back in the drawer, lying down on her bed. It was a matter of minutes before she fell asleep, again into a dreamless, black world.

She woke up with a blooming little flower of hope in her chest, and she found the most beautiful white dress with black and green linings along the edges and flowers knitted all over it. She put the clothes on and when she was finally up to go to the dining room, Peter was nowhere to be seen.  
"Has Peter gone home?"  
"Yes, he left an hour ago. You didn't make it to say goodbye."  
"It's okay…"  
"Do you want something to eat?"  
"Yes, thank you."  
She didn't really focus on eating, didn't really care about it. All she wanted to was to talk to Valshe. After finishing her food she headed directly for the garden. He wasn't there, but if she waited he would probably show up, since he was here so often. She started humming the song he had been singing for the moon the night before. A while must have passed by because when she opened her eyes again, he was standing there.  
What should she do now?  
"I… need to talk to you."  
He nodded, and she grabbed his wrist, dragging him away from the garden towards the forest. He looked to be a bit shocked but didn't say anything and just followed along. When they were a little way from the castle she turned around to face him. She hadn't really thought about how she would say it when the time was for it…  
To her big surprise he was the first to speak.  
"I… I take it that you read the letter?"  
"Yes… I did…"  
She couldn't get herself to say it; the words were stuck in her throat. But they were alone; she didn't have to hold back anymore. Before she could restrain herself she pinned him to the nearest tree, her hands holding his arms by his elbows. Sparkly grass green met glittering night blue and Valshe looked nothing short of perfect in the shadows of the trees, with a surprised expression.  
"W-wha-?"  
His face went from surprise to shock and his face was bright red. She couldn't believe how adorable he looked. The hands that had taken rest on his arms now moved upwards to his shoulders, his gaze flickering downwards for a second before she managed to lock eyes with him again.  
"I…"  
Again she'd gotten as close as the other times she'd kissed him. She could feel the heat of his body so close to her, his breathing, almost the beating of his heart if she listened closely enough. He moved his hands up to curl his fingers around hers and their eyes locked as if they were sealed together with chains.  
"I love you too…"  
She barely managed to say it before he kissed her. Yes, _he_ kissed _her_, not the other way around. Her arms slipped around his neck to play with his soft hair, caressing the soft golden locks between her fingers. It felt nothing short of wonderful. She felt his hands move from his own shoulders to her neck, slipping her hair behind her shoulders. Both closed their eyes to just take in the moment and each other, to cherish this one kiss, this one crime, this oh so passionate and intoxicating crime. They stood for a short while, holding tightly onto each other, refusing to stop the kiss. The need for air became too much at one point though, and they had to pull away.

This just happened, didn't it? Valshe was completely breathless. So the princess had actually kissed her when she had been sick? It hadn't been a dream… after all…  
"P…please don't tell me this is a dream, I wouldn't be able to live with it…"  
"Valshe… it's not a dream. It was never a dream…"  
She just grabbed the princess and held onto her tightly, holding her perfect, small body in her arms. It was warm and loving, as she'd wished it to be. She could feel the arms of the princess wrap around her back and she got tears of happiness in her eyes.  
"I…I love you, princess…"  
"Don't call me that…"  
"Anastasia…"  
"That's my boy."  
She let out a small laugh and Valshe felt warm hands on her cheeks, wiping away the tears forming. Valshe then getting aware of the cruel reality pulled away, looking at the ground. She turned to look at the princess, tears forming in her eyes once again, this time of sadness.  
"I… I'm sorry… I can't… I'm lying to you… god I'm sorry… I can't do this…"  
She didn't think much more and just ran away, deep into the forest, not planning on turning around. She'd known that she shouldn't have done something like that, and now the princess hated her so what mattered.

She stood baffled for a moment before turning in the direction Valshe had run into. What had he said? 'I can't do this'?  
"Wait… Valshe!"  
She ran in the direction he'd ran; though she wasn't sure she could catch up with him. She cried out in frustration and her gaze moved around the area. Trees, trees, and oh, more trees! Where the heck could he have gone? She let her gaze flicker from tree to tree, trying to search for some sign of him having ran through.  
"Valshe?! Valshe where are you?!"  
She could feel a bad ache in her heart; like something was going to go bad… very bad. She ran and ran through the forest, in an attempt to find him. Where could he have gone? A cracked stick to her left made her start to go in that direction, still looking for the blonde angel that she loved so badly.  
"Valshe? Valshe?!"  
She couldn't stop crying, her tears wouldn't stop falling. She cried out his name again, again and again, hoping for him to at least reply. But she heard nothing, nothing but her own crying and pained voice.  
"VALSHE WHERE ARE YOU?!"  
Her calling became louder and louder, her voice cracking over from her crying. She sank to her knees; she'd never find him in this forest. It was huge; huge, dark and full of big trees and good hiding places, and also good places to slip and fall and die. That just made her even more worried. The stab in her heart was harder this time, and she got up, frantically searching the area with her eyes.  
"Please… show yourself… Valshe I love you!"  
She buried her head in her hands, crying silently. This wasn't going to work. There was nothing. No sign of any humans, no sign of animals even, no paths or anything, and of course no soun-  
"Eh?"  
She'd heard a faint voice just a second ago; coughing. She strained her ears trying to find where the voice was coming from. She stood up and walked to the left, hoping it was truly a human voice, hoping it was Valshe's voice. The voice slightly became clearer, until she saw him.  
"Valshe!"  
He was lying cramped on the ground, coughing. His whole body was tensed, his face partially buried in his hands to cough. The tone of his skin was paler than it had been a moment ago, and his chest was moving rapidly up and down to breathe. She ran to his side and put his head in her lap. His face was dangerously pale and his breathing sounded like he was struggling horribly.  
"Valshe! Valshe oh god, wake up!"  
He opened his eyes weakly and tried to sit up. With her help he managed to sit up straight. He held a hand over his mouth as he started coughing again. It wasn't just the usual cough; it was painful, long, and not to mention terrifyingly sounding coughs.  
He took a quick glance at his hand and his eyes widened. There was a small amount of blood on his palm, not much but it was there. She was about to tell him to hurry and get back when his eyes got more and more blurry until he closed them slowly and fell down as he fainted again.  
"Oh no, Valshe! Valshe you can't leave me! Don't leave like this!"  
After a while of being silent where she could hear nothing but his breathing, which wasn't really much in itself, he opened his eyes once again; he had started crying. If it was of pain, sadness or regret, she did not know. His face held all three emotions, packed together inside his eyes.  
"I… I've been… l-lying… t-to you…" he could barely talk between the coughs but he looked like he was determined on getting it said "I… I'm actually…. I've always… b-been… a-a girl…"  
"Are you serious?!" She looked at him, no, her and cried even more. She didn't care about Valshe's gender, that wasn't what mattered here! She was in pain!  
"Valshe I don't care…" she cried out, looking at the person she'd fallen in love with, a girl, "I fell in love with your soul, I don't care. You can be what hell gender you want; I just want to love you…"  
Valshe looked relieved; but still pained. A jolt of pain shot visibly through her body and she tensed before another seizure of coughing took over her voice. After around a minute she finally stopped and regained her ability to speak.  
"I… I'm glad…. I love you…. B-but… my time will soon… be over…."  
"Valshe, don't say that! You'll be alright!"  
She couldn't lose Valshe like this! She could do nothing but cry, hoping for Valshe to stay alive. She felt her arms wrap tightly around the blonde, holding her close to whisper in her ear, trying to hear her breathing. It was all too late, she could feel the movements of Valshe's chest get even less evident, her breaths barely reaching past her lips.  
"Please don't leave me…"  
It was too late; Valshe's face was getting pale and her breathing weaker and weaker. All she could do was to kiss her softly, holding her face in her hands. Tears were staining both of their faces, but neither of them seemed to care much. She felt Valshe weakly kiss back, and a cold hand stroked Anastasia's cheek. That hand slowly dropped onto the ground and Anastasia looked into the blue eyes that she'd been admiring for so long, those eyes, which now reflected pain and suffering.  
"I… I'm… s-sorry…"  
Every sign of life disappeared as her face turned pale. Those once so lively blue eyes looked up at her, dead. They had darkened and the once so sparkling color was now just a dull blue that looked like a rainy cloud, almost.  
Valshe was gone.  
Forever.  
She just sat there crying holding the dead body of Valshe in her arms. The still soft blonde hair tickled her cheeks, but the skin was cold, cold and firm, not soft and warm. She would do anything to have Valshe back, anything.  
"Why? OH GOD WHY?!"  
She cried and cried, not able to stop herself. She had no reason for living on. The only hope, her love, was here, in her arms, lying dead and cold in the middle of a foggy, grey forest.  
She put Valshe down and gave her one last kiss on the forehead before closing her dead looking blue eyes. For a moment she observed her; her lips that were pale just like the rest of her skin, the way the shirt she was wearing almost seemed transparent, revealing her pale torso beneath, the way her hair fell in her eyes in that sweet and adorable way she'd always loved, and just everything that made her _Valshe_.  
"Good bye Valshe, I love you."  
"A-Anastasia?! What do you think you're doing?!"  
It was her mother's voice, and she forced herself away from Valshe standing up to face her mother. From the reaction she must have seen Anastasia giving Valshe that kiss, not that she did care much about that anymore. Nothing seemed to matter; Peter didn't matter, neither did her mother, royalty, money or anything. Nothing mattered.  
"She's dead now anyways, so what matters?!"  
She wiped away her tears and looked at Valshe's lifeless body; she was still beautiful and perfect, even if her whole body reeked of death, from her pale face to her deadly still body.  
"I want her to have a proper burial. Bring a white coffin out here."  
"But Anastasia… what is your relationship with this girl?"  
"I loved her, mother. I loved her and I let her die; I couldn't save her, I couldn't damn save her, the one I loved so much, is lying here dead! So please, give her a proper burial? There's not much more I can do for her…"  
"I understand…"  
She left her mother with a nod and headed back for the castle; she knew what to do now, she didn't want it to end like this. She'd create her own ending. There was no way Peter was going to get the better of her, and there was no way she was going to sacrifice her soul now when Valshe was gone.  
"There's only one thing left to do…"  
She made sure that Valshe's coffin had been placed on a bed of roses before walking into her room, holding a small bottle. She mixed the content of the bottle with a glass of water and drank it all, even if it tasted horribly. Her mind flickered off to Valshe and she smiled to herself with tears in her eyes. Everything was going her way now. She was going to get _her _ending the way she wanted it.  
"If I'm right… it'll kick in after an hour or two… I need to get going now."  
She ran out her room and through the garden towards the gate that lead to the forest. Her steps slowly got weaker but she kept going, for the sake of getting there. She didn't have much time. Finally after what seemed like forever, she reached Valshe's grave. The coffin hadn't been closed and Valshe was just lying there, white as a ghost. She was dressed in the same clothes as yesterday, and in the coffin had been lied blue roses below her and by her sides. She looked like an angel inside the white coffin, surrounded by blue roses.  
"Look at how cold you've gotten, Valshe…"  
She didn't know why; she just wanted to talk to Valshe for a last time. She needed to talk to her one last time. They were going to be happy now.  
"Let me see if I remembered… yes, I did."  
She dug out the blue rose from her pocket and placed it in Valshe's hands, crossing her hands at her chest. A sad smile appeared on her lips and she closed her fingers around Valshe's, holding the rose together with her.  
"You look beautiful…"  
Now she was starting to seriously feel dizzy; her head was starting to hurt badly. Her legs were starting to get wobbly and she looked down at the pure beauty before her that was Valshe. The poison was starting to kick in.  
She sat on her knees beside Valshe's grave, placing a hand on top of Valshe's cold ones again. She was cold; very cold. So this was what a dead person felt like. Because of her being so dizzy, she put her head at Valshe's chest. She almost cried at not being able to hear a heartbeat. She ran her fingers along the lines of Valshe's face, chest and arms, and at last hands, before moving back to her cheeks.  
"Valshe… my dear beauty; it'll be over in a minute…"  
She was starting to have problems keeping conscious, and closed her heavy eyelids… everything was starting to go black. The name echoed in her mind over and over. _Valshe_. Everything was going to be fine.  
"Valshe…"  
_We'll be together forever… I love you._  
Everything would get better; that was her last feeling as the world faded into the eternal darkness. A light shined at the end of the blackness and she felt familiar arms wrap around her, warm, loving arms.  
_Forever… and ever._


End file.
